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Why I Hate Accused Doper and 7-Time Tour de France Champ Lance Armstrong

Lance, you cheated. There’s no way around it. You blood doped, you probably did HGH, you probably did steroids. You probably took freaking animal tranquilizers and smoked dog you-know-what if it helped you bike faster. Just because you have one ball doesn’t mean that you can lie about things that you clearly did, and expect anybody in their right mind to believe you.

Cycling is a dirty sport. I get it. And because of that, I don’t really think anything Lance did is all that bad – as long as he admits it. He beat a field in the Tour de France in which 90 percent of the racers were probably blood doping right along with him. All Lance did was level the playing field. If he came out and said that, I would actually applaud him.

Instead, he releases stupid statements like this, which he sent out on his official web site on Wednesday after he was made aware of new charges against him:

“These are the very same charges and the same witnesses that the Justice Department chose not to pursue after a two-year investigation,” he said. “These charges are baseless, motivated by spite and advanced through testimony bought and paid for by promises of anonymity and immunity. … USADA’s malice, its methods, its star-chamber practices, and its decision to punish first and adjudicate later all are at odds with our ideals of fairness and fair play.

“I have never doped, and, unlike many of my accusers, I have competed as an endurance athlete for 25 years with no spike in performance, passed more than 500 drug tests and never failed one. That USADA ignores this fundamental distinction and charges me instead of the admitted dopers says far more about USADA, its lack of fairness and this vendetta than it does about my guilt or innocence. Any fair consideration of these allegations has and will continue to vindicate me.”

Hey idiot, you’re not going to be vindicated. Everybody knows that you did it. Why would the USADA – simply out of spite – spend hoards and hoards of money to try to get you stripped of Tour de France medals? It makes absolutely no sense. It’s not like they get to give the titles to the second-place winner or something. Nothing happens. The only thing the organization would achieve is you no longer being a seven-time champion. Whoopee!

Yep, I’m sure everybody in the USADA wants to devote all their time and energy to a baseless claim about you blood doping.

“What’s that honey, you want to have sex? No, sorry, I’m way too busy trying to frame Lance Armstrong for blood doping.”

No one cares about bicycle racing anyway. Just admit it – you’re a fraud. The only malice in this situation comes from the lies you’re spitting about an organization that is simply doing its job by bringing you to justice for cheating. But it’s you vs. the world, isn’t it Lance? Yep, everyone – and I mean everyone – is out to get you.

And what do you mean there was no spike in your performance? You WON seven Tour de Frances. That seems like a pretty serious spike to me, no? Dude, this is like the 10th time allegations have come against you. Former teammates are indicting you on these charges. You blood doped, you arrogant clown. It’s the same principle as Roger Clemens doing steroids – just because you say that you didn’t do it, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, doesn’t mean that we’re going to listen. At this point, I hope you eventually go to jail for perjury too, just to prove a point. That’s right – I’m getting defiant now.

Oh, and just so we all know what type of person Lance Armstrong is, let’s get this little story out there: Lance had a wife, just a normal woman, who stayed with him throughout his battle with testicular cancer. Once Lance recovered and started becoming an international icon, he dropped his loyal lady friend for Sheryl Freaking Crow. Real trustworthy.

You’re a hypocritical loser, Lance Armstrong. It’s easy to live strong when you’re injecting yourself with drugs every day.

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