Since this is RefinedHype, and Lebron's "Decision" was the most hyped sports non-event in sports history, I though it was only right that we take a moment to deflate King James' narcissistic announcement and, just like we did for Gucci Mane and Tiger Woods, imagine what Bron Bron's announcement would have sounded like has he just said the truth. First, the real thing:
The Refined Take:
First of all I'd like to announce that I'm converting to Islam. No, sorry, I'm joking, but seriously, doesn't this beard make me look kind of Muslim?
Ok....I thought I'd try to keep things light and start off with a joke but nevermind. Tough room.
Some genuine thanks are in order. I'd like to thank the media at large for turning this into such a masturbatory spectacle, thank you guys. If it wasn't for the way you reported every rumor you heard from my friend's barber's cousin like it was a fact, I wouldn't be standing here today. And a special thanks goes to ESPN for turning what should have been a press conference at the most into an hour-long tv show. I've finally realized my dream of making T.O. and Ochocinco look humble, and for that I'll be forever grateful. And lastly, I wanted to thank the Boys & Girls club for showing up to make it look like this isn't completely self-aggrandizing. Stay in school kids, education is, uh, important, or so I've heard.
I'd also like to take a minute to shout out the New Jersey Nets and L.A. Clippers organizations. There was never a snow ball's chance in hell that I'd sign with you guys, but the way you flew all the way out to Cleveland and delivered a presentation solely to feed my ego was great. Seriously though, the Clippers? You guys really are delusional. I kid, I kid.
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...I'm going to the Miami Heat. I honestly hadn't made up my mind until Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh signed, but once they did I realized the Heat were for me. Why? Have you ever been to Miami? I've spent my entire life in Ohio, motherf*king Ohio! I can't possibly tell you how excited I am about the endless supply of gorgeous half-Cuban models who will be throwing themselves at me every moment of my waking life.
As for basketball, it never really was about winning championships. Sure, winning championships would be great, but you have to realize that I'm not consumed by the need to win like Kobe or that Jordan guy you compare me to is. First and foremost I'm a brand - I told you from the beginning my goal was to become a global icon - and there's no bigger story than playing with Dwayne Wade. Together we'll be front page news even when we're playing Charlotte in February. Sure, I would have had a much better chance at a championship playing alongside Rose, Noah, Boozer and the Bulls deep bench in Chicago, but let's be honest, those guys aren't superstars. Bienvenidos a Miami!
To all the fans and organizations I've jerked around for the past two months, especially the Cleveland fans currently burning effigies of me, I'm sorry for leading you on, but I just couldn't resist. You should have seen the looks on your faces every time I even glanced in your direction. You were like that desperate girl at a party you're not going to ever seriously date but it's just too much fun watching her follow you around like a puppy to tell her no outright. God that was a good time.
It's always been about me, and me first. And of course it has - you've all been telling me how great I am for years. And now you're surprised that I've turned out to be narcissistic? Really? Anyway, thanks for joining me on this wild ride - let's do it again in six years! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go f*** Gabrielle Union. I'm just kidding Dwayne...kind of.