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Off the Record’s Final 2010 NFL Mock Draft 3.0

OTR is proud to say we have had one of our most successful months as a blog and we wanted to reward our readers with one final NFL mock draft.  It may not be as good as our first or as accurate as our second, but you better believe it will provide you with the best inside information you could imagine.  We might not have as many multiple sources Sal Paolantonio has, but at least our sources are real people and not made-up Peter Pan schtick.

1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB , Oklahoma.  If Bradford was a pitcher in the major leagues, he would have four pitches; the fastball, the change up, the slider, and the tight spiral.  Many would think a tight spiral is easy to throw in baseball because the baseball is round.  This is true, but I also said he could throw a slider and that is tough.  And so is Bradford.  Think Cole Hamels, but with the voice of Don Cheadle.  (previous pick:  Bradford)

2. Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska.  There’s two words that describe Ndamukong Suh.  Nobody actually knows what those two words are, but if someone had to guess, they would most likely use the words ‘rock’ and ’solid.’  (previous pick:  Suh)

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma.  Many view McCoy as the better of the two tackles when compared to Suh.  Others view McCoy as a black version of a white Haloti Ngata.  Think about that.  (previous pick:  McCoy)

4. Washington Redskins: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma.  Williams is the combination of a fierce alligator praying on an antelope and a panda bear.  This translates into a fierce competitor with huggable attributes.  On-the-field, off-the-field, you can’t go wrong with this pick.  He’ll protect your blind-side, then take you out for ice cream.  (previous pick:  Williams)

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma St.  In a story not known to many, Okung once went hunting in Africa with two weapons; a pot and a glove.  The pot was used to hit the prey over the head and to cook with.  The glove was not used for anything.  (previous pick:  Okung)

6. Seattle Seahawks:  Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa. If Trent Williams and Russell Okung had a baby boy, they would name him Brian Bulaga.  He would adopt the massive calve muscles from his father Trent and the feet agility from his mother Russell, creating one of the most powerful lineman below the knees the league has ever seen.  (previous pick:  Berry)

7. Cleveland Browns:Eric Berry, S, Tennessee. If you gathered together the raw football instincts of Brian Dawkins, the play-making ability of Ed Reed, and the quickness of Troy Polamalu, you would have one hell of an NFL safety.  However, that player is not available in this years draft, so the Browns select Eric Berry.   (previous pick:  Thomas)

8. Oakland Raiders:Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland. At 315 pounds, Campbell weighs slightly less than the quarterback he will be blocking for.  (previous pick:  Gerald Carterson)

9. Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame.  During Week 14 against the Cleveland Browns, the Bills front office will hand out winter hats with Clausen’s number on the front and the Bills logo on the back.  This idea will completely backfire when the Browns defeat the Bills 41-0 and Buffalo fans pull the winter hats over their heads, creating a controversial photo titled “If you don’t want to feel a thing, pull your Jimmy Hat over your head”.  (previous pick:  Clausen)

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech.  Morgan excels at three things; beating linemen off the block, reading plays, and battling allergies.  It’s not success that he’s allergic to, but natural grass.  Look for Morgan to play well in domes and on artificial turf.   (previous pick:  Pierre-Paul)

11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago in Jay Cutler trade): Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma St.  With Brandon Marshall gone to New York (Dolphins), look for Dez Bryant to continue where he left off; catching passes, scoring touchdowns and slipping on empty McDonald’s bags while wrestling with family members, and subsequently falling through television sets.  All the great receivers do it.   (previous pick:  Kindle)

12. Miami Dolphins: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee.  If Dan Williams was a dinosaur, he’d be called the Sackasaurus.  The Sackasaurus is a carnivore and hunts its prey only on Sundays, occasionally on Saturdays and sometimes on Thursday or Monday evenings.  (previous pick:  Morgan)

13. San Francisco 49ers: Joe Haden, CB, Florida. Two things come to mind when speaking of Joe Haden.  His raw talent to close on a receiver downfield and his ability to watch “Two and a Half Men” without laughing.   He utilizes his quickness to make plays, and concentrates on holding back his emotions, even when Charlie Sheen is spitting out his ‘A’ game.  It’s the intangibles that make good players, great.  (previous pick:  Haden)

14. Philadelphia Eagles  (trade their 24th pick and 70th pick to Seattle): Earl Thomas, S, Texas.  The Eagles are destined to trade up in the draft to select Berry, Thomas, or Morgan.  With both Berry and Morgan off the board, the Eagles once again jump in front of the New York Giants to get their man.  Thomas is a shorter version of a tall Ronnie Lott.  Divide his heart by two, then double it.  He has that much.  (previous pick:  Seattle taking Bulaga)

15. New York Giants: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama.  McClain’s teammates call him “Calrissian.”  It’s not just a play on words because his first name is Rolando, as in Rolando Calrissian, but he plays football with a smoothness only Billy Dee Williams would understand.  He’s teammates also call him “Billy Dee.”   (previous pick:  McClain)

16. Tennessee Titans: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida.  There’s five qualities we look for in a defensive end coming out of college.  We’ll name four; power, quickness, wind, and fire.  Actually, we’ll let you know what the fifth quality is, too.  Sense of humor.  It’s the key element in the package of success.  Pierre-Paul has all five, we call that the tri-fecta.  He can carry a team on the field and loosen up a locker room with great jokes.  (previous pick:  Dan Williams)

17. San Francisco 49ers: Mike Iupati, G, Idaho.  An excellent surfer, Iupati uses these water skills to excel in sound football technique.  He understands the swim move and knows how to block it.  He can hold his breath for more than 10 seconds.  And he’s been known to dive into a pile, and ultimately get to the bottom to recover a fumble.  Why more surfers are not in the NFL is beyond comprehension.  (previous pick:  Iupati)

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State.  If Kyle Wilson was a Hollywood celebrity, he would be Vince Vaughn, but black with dreadlocks.  The comparison stops there.  (previous pick:  Spiller)

19. Atlanta Falcons: Sergio Kindle, DE/OLB, Texas.  There isn’t one person in this draft that has a more powerful voice than Kindle.  It has Celine Dion-like qualities with an authoritative kick similar to that of drill instructor, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket.  Kindle will take control of the huddle and lead, with the possibility of pulling in a Chopard Diamond Award.  (previous pick:  Graham)

20. Houston Texans: C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson.  Known to family members as Clifford, his given name, C. J. runs like a gazelle and changes pace like a cheetah.  Some say he runs like a cheetah and changes pace like a gazelle.  Either way you look at it, the Texans get a steal at number 20.(previous pick:  Campbell)

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers.  Growing up as a kid, Davis played jai alai, badminton, and golf, because of his love for speed.  Now his job is to slow speed down.  It’s irony like this that makes the NFL draft exciting.  (previous pick:  Gresham)

 22. New England Patriots: Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri.  Weatherspoon can provide quarterback pressure like a veteran, but still tough Lyle Alzado and cover like an 85% healthy Champ Bailey.  Throw in excellent tackling technique and you have yourself a starting NFL linebacker for years to come.  (previous pick:  Odrick)

23. Green Bay Packers:Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida.  Pouncey provides the Packers with a skilled weapon who can play center or guard.  OTR has heard he can play forward as well, but he just isn’t as productive at that position.  (previous pick:  Robinson)

24. Seattle Seahawks (traded their 14th pick and 139th pick to Philadelphia):Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech.  Thomas has tremendous upside potential with medium risk.  It’s kinda like sleeping with the cute girl who you just met at a bar without using a ’Jimmy Hat,’ not knowing if she’s a whore or not.  But the cuteness says she isn’t, right?   (previous pick:  Philadelphia taking Kyle Wilson)

25. Baltimore Ravens: Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma.  Blend together three bananas, two mangos, and one determined football player with a touch of ginseng and you have yourself a Gresham smoothie.  Nothing more refreshing than that after a late first-round pick.    (previous pick:  Bryant)

26. Arizona Cardinals: Jared Odrick, DT, Penn St.  As a freshman at Penn State, Odrick once went on an unthinkable 45-game tic-tac-toe winning streak.  This man understands his X’s and O’s and he learned from the best in Joe Paterno.  Joe Pa once labeled him as a young Sherman Edwards with the legs of a roided-up Lavar Arrington.   (previous pick:  Weatherspoon)

27. Dallas Cowboys: Taylor Mays, S, USC.  If there was one more visable color in the rainbow it would be called Taylor Mays.  He can brighten up your day and light up any room with his smile.  Combine that with his ball-hawking abilities and you have yourself the next Paul Krause with Steve Martin’s sense of humor.  (previous pick:  Davis)

28. San Diego Chargers: Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State.  A romantic evening with Mr. Robinson would include a bottle of wine with a candle-lit dinner, the smell of sun flowers in the air, watching the sun set from a freshly painted porch, and a deflected pass thrown by Kyle Orton.  The first three things are his pre-game rituals for night games.  Night games to Patrick are romantic evenings.  (previous pick:  Dunlap)

29. New York Jets: Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan.  If there’s one thing to say about Brandon Graham it can best be said to his face.  So, we’ll leave it at that and move on.  (previous pick:  Benn)

30. Minnesota Vikings:  Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama.  On paper, Jackson is the best CB in the draft.  On the field, he’s probably a late first-round, early second-round draft pick.  He has the instincts of an owl, but has yet to use them in a game.  Look for Brad Childress to help him with that.(previous pick:  Mays)

31. Indianapolis Colts:  Everson Griffen, DE, USC.  Griffen’s raw power was on display at the combine when he bench pressed 45 pounds, 23,380 times.  (previous pick:  Pouncey)

32. New Orleans Saints: Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida.  Someone once told us that Carlos Dunlap would be the next great Clyde Simmons.  We think he’s more of a Mike Pitts with a Byron Evans-esque persona, destined to be what Mike Mamula was supposed to be.  That’s the definition of upside.(previous pick: Cody)


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