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Michael Vick's Protective Gear Maker Guarantees He Won't Get Hurt in 2012

The CEO of Unequal Technologies today guaranteed that Michael Vick wouldn’t get hurt for the entire season, which is a little bold considering that Vick gets hurt every single season and misses significant time, causing the demise of my fantasy team and the Eagles to play Mike Kafka for extended periods of time, neither of which are good things.

But, Vick has never been wearing the product that Unequal Technologies puts out before this season. What in the name of Arthur Blank is Unequal Technologies, you ask? Good question. Unequal Technologies – according to the semi-extensive research I did today – is some relatively new company that was the first to offer Vick a sponsorship deal after Vick got out of prison for murdering dogs for joy.

And what this company does is create protective padding for athletes…using Kevlar. How they have access to enough Kevlar to build an entire product line using the material, I have no idea, but it does look like it works for one thing. The proof is in the pudding, just watch the video. These poor people are getting hockey pucks and baseballs rocketed off their chests, and they’re just dealing with it like it’s not an issue whatsoever. That’s quality.

Vick has been fitted with the Kevlar on his ribpads, and he’s also going to be wearing some kind of super vest that will protect him from injuries to his chest and what not. Does this product protect him from tearing his ACL while trying to escape six men in the pocket, or does it protect him from getting a concussion as he tries to flip over Justin Tuck on the goal line? No…not as far as I know.

But that didn’t stop Unequal Technologies CEO Rob Vito from guaranteeing no injuries to Vick. Let’s get a more direct quote here:

“What Michael is wearing was born on the battlefield and forged on the gridiron,” Vito said, according to this article.

I don’t think I like Rob Vito very much. He sounds like the kind of guy who would tell me about some “can’t miss” stock tip he heard about, then invest all of my money and lose it because the person who gave him the tip is his gardener.

Let’s have a look at Vito to make sure he at least looks credible, and not like someone who might find your credit card on the ground and use it to subscribe to a bunch of internet porn:

Ah! Jesus Christ man, what the hell? That’s Rob Vito!? This guy runs is the CEO of a company that supplies Michael Vick with his protective vest, and I can’t even find a picture of him on the internet that isn’t blurry? Good God, this guy looks like the mutant lovechild of Tommy Heinsohn and Dan Aykroyd. He looks like someone who opens a can of olives in the supermarket and eats them all as he does the rest of his shopping, then shoves the jar behind the Wheat Thins and doesn’t pay for it.

Even the name “Universal Technologies” sounds like a front for some strange laboratory that’s actually cloning apes and planning a colossal takeover of Los Angeles. LOOK AT THE BUILDING! There is absolutely something highly illegal happening behind those weird, brown walls.

I don’t like the sound of any of this. Why doesn’t everyone wear this stuff if it’s so effective? Why has no one ever heard of this company? And yes, part of my skepticism is because Vick is on both of my fantasy teams, and if he gets hurt I’m relying on Russell Wilson or some cocktail of Carson Palmer and Sam Bradford. But I still think Universal Technologies is a meth lab.

On a side note, aliens may have brought us Kevlar. That would answer a lot of my questions, and explain Mr. Vito’s sweatiness, or just general appearance.

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