Sports Illustrated has been doing this forever, and even Deadspin has gotten in to the act of late, but just in case the world actually does end tomorrow I want to make sure that people know there’s a reason I’m already 500 feet below my basement floor in a panic room that would get Jodie Foster excited– I saw this coming.
- The Jets gave Mark Sanchez $58.25 million over 5 years with $20.5 million GUARANTEED over 2012 and 2013. How’s that working out for you, Woody Johnson?
- Some racist guy decided he didn’t like Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos, even though Colin Kaepernick has an awesome tortoise and from all accounts is an upstanding individual with an admirable work ethic. I guess David Whitley wouldn’t approve of my Colin Kapernick tramp stamp.
- ESPN’s Rob Parker doesn’t think RGIII is black enough. I think Rob Parker is a cornball, but then again I lean towards watching the RedZone channel on a Saturday rather than tuning in to a First Take hosted by Rob Parker. In fact, I prefer to watch RedZone in favor of First Take no matter who is hosting.
- The Rockets got a terrible case of Linsanity and didn’t realize just how amazingly mediocre Jeremy Lin is. Good thing the world is ending tomorrow, otherwise three years of his s**t defense and terrible turnover rate could really wear on an organization.
- If you’re looking for something about the NHL lockout being a signal that a bunch of hallucinogenic abusing people who wore loin clothes and played soccer with severed human heads correctly predicted the complete and total annihilation of the human race, then you’re going to have to look elsewhere. Nothing in the world makes more sense than the NHL being locked out again. That’s what happens when you leave Gary Bettman in charge. That’s what happens when you go to war with the worldwide leader. That’s what happens when there’s a bunch of Canadians put on a pedestal. Hockey players are the new Olympic athletes, people may respect you and your dedication to the sport, but you probably have to work at Home Depot in the off-season.
- Condoleezza Rice was the first woman allowed to become a member at Augusta. Seriously, what the hell?
- Skip Bayless.
- The Owners of the Red Sox thought that bringing an out of touch – and showing clear and present signs of dementia – Bobby Valentine into the mix would be the right thing for the ballclub. What followed was the worst season of my entire life. I couldn’t watch games past early August. I dreamed of hunting John Henry in a “Most Dangerous Game” type of setting, and making Adrian Gonzalez stand in shallow left field while I slapped baseballs at him to see how he liked it, on a regular basis. It was just the worst.
- Stephen A. Smith.
- Kevin Durant made this.
- Mario Chalmers was named Alaska’s Sexiest Man.
- Adrian Peterson came back from a torn ACL – something that used to be a death sentence for running backs (we miss you, Jamal!) – and could have broken the rushing record for a single season but the world is going to end tomorrow. Also, Terrell Suggs came back in just about 6 months from a torn achilles, then he tore his biceps tendon, sat out a week, then returned to the field last week. Now he’s not even on the injury report for the game that would have happened on Sunday. Either there is some new drug out there that I needed to get my hands on sooner, or the world is ending. I’d also like to keep going on Terre Suggs for a second if you don’t mind. Terrell Suggs beats up his girlfriend pretty badly every couple of years, and yet this guy is constantly giving interviews, being looked at as a veteran leader and is generally one of the more respected players in the NFL. Terrell Suggs is a lower than dirt mouth breather and don’t you ever forget it.
There were many more signs, but I don’t have nearly enough time to get to them all. I’ve got to pack, decide if I’m going to bring my girlfriend or my roommate because I certainly can’t leave my dog behind, put on my haz mat suit and make sure I stop by my local church to steal some bibles – in case I need to make a fire – and to take all the Catholic gold I can find, because gold is at an all time high and gold talks. Look at any point in history where gold was a known commodity, and the people who didn’t have it wanted it. Trust me, gold talks. Plus the panic room has really sh***y WI-FI.
Good luck. Don’t eat your family unless they ask you to right before they die.