The NFL was ripped away from us. The NBA went too soon. So unless you fancy wagering which college football program Yahoo! Sports will take down next, there is only one sporting event worth following on July 4: Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Joey Chestnut, the gluttonous -- but also remarkably charismatic -- four-time winner of the most iconic eating tournament around added a fifth trophy to his mantle on Monday, via a dominating victory in which consumed 62 hot dogs.
"Winning tastes pretty good. I feel great," Chestnut told reporters. "It was hot out here but that didn't really affect me."
Rain or shine, in good times and in bad, ain’t no mountain high enough to keep Chestnut from his extremely irrelevant, undeniably stupid hot dog eating title.
"My girlfriend didn't even make the trip out here to Coney Island," Chestnut said.
As shocking as it is that anyone would not be interested in Chestnut’s display of wasting time while inflicting serious harm to his digestive system, the absence of Chestnut’s girlfriend was not a major subplot of the day. Rather, that dignified honor was reserved for the absence of Chestnut’s archrival, Takeru Kobayashi.
Kobayashi, who opted to sit this year’s incarnation of the contest out due to a contract dispute, reportedly participated in his own version of the event somewhere in New York.
With no real competition, Chestnut cruised to victory. Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti finished in second place with 53 hot dogs eaten, while Tim Janus rounded out the top three with 45.
"Listen, I'm getting paid to eat," said Chestnut, who pulled in $10,000 for Monday's title. "It's not too bad of a life."
Happy to be getting paid while doing something fun? Reveling in the joyous nature of a pretty cool life? Spoken like a true non-athlete.