Missouri 33, Kentucky 10
I mean, just, wow, Kentucky. You almost have to intentionally set out to achieve such a level of offensive incompetence, or run a Sylvester Croom offense. The Wildcats checked in with 179 total yards, 1-12 on third downs, 3 turnovers, and 10-22 from its quarterbacks (78 yards).
Missouri, not wanting the Wildcats to feel so bad about their showing, put up 273 total yards, 3 turnovers, and 87 passing yards. I said last week this game would be football's interpretation of the Irish Potato Famine and, according the the critical reviews, it was a five-star performance, one that made you feel the horrible suffering that goes with starvation.
Now that Kentucky has officially surrendered in the competitive football category, talk turns to its next head coach. The most interesting rumors (meaning: no proof behind either, just more fun to talk about than some MAC offensive coordinator or someone) involve a pair of former Ole Miss coaches in Tommy Tuberville and David Cutcliffe.
It seems unlikely Tuberville would go anywhere in which he would be behind anyone in the pecking order of importance, but most of us have not spent any significant time in Lubbock. As for Cutcliffe, allegedly Kentucky made a run at him while he was at Ole Miss (WHY DIDN'T HE LEAVE THEN), but either withdrew interest or was told, "No, thanks. Gonna let Eli play out his career and let all those recruits contact me. That's how recruiting works, right?"
STILL NOT OVER HIS BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN VIA SUCH LAZINESS. Anyway, Cutcliffe would be fine with backing up John Calipari, as he already plays the same role at Duke.
South Carolina 38, Tennessee 35
Man, Marcus Lattimore. A horrible, horrible thing to happen to someone who was set to make a lifetime of money starting next spring, as well as a person so well-liked throughout the SEC, which is hard to do because most everyone hates everyone.
While it was fantastic watching both teams crowd around him as trainers got him ready to be placed on the cart, the toughest part to watch was as he was being driven off the field, he covered his face with a towel and started deep-crying. The kind of crying that comes from way down inside when true anguish and the unknown meet. Watching that come out of him as he rode off the field was brutal.
The good news is that the damage to his right knee isn't as severe as previously thought, as Steve Spurrier said yesterday that everyone is optimistic Lattimore could play football again. Let's hope this happens and one day Lattimore has the option to buy lots of things he doesn't really need, but they would be cool to have (HEATED BATHROOM FLOORS, Y'ALL).
As for the game, defense was treated as an optional activity for South Carolina and never was an option for Tennessee. Lots of yards and points, all of which built to the inevitable UT soul-crushing Tyler Bray turnover, which came when he was sacked by Jadeveon Clowney and fumbled on the South Carolina 19-yard line late in the fourth quarter. And for fun, Bray added an interception during a last-minute desperation drive.
All systems are now a full go for Tennessee's quest to find a new head coach while something like five others are still on the payroll. I could not wish more strongly for Jon Gruden to string them along for a few months, costing them valuable recruiting time, before finally saying that "THIS GUY wants to stay on Monday Night Football."
Ole Miss 30, Arkansas 27
For the second straight SEC game, Hugh Freeze rolled the dice that conservative fourth quarter play calling and his defense would be enough to win. And, to everyone's surprise, it worked. Though, unlike the Auburn game, the aggressive version of the offense was needed for a final drive that set up the game-winning field goal.
Winning is awesome and stuff, but color me NOT A FAN of relying on a not good defense and an offensive style that can't generate first downs or build on a lead. We're at our best on offense when we go fast and stay aggressive. The slowing down makes sense as we try to take as much time off the clock as possible, but handcuffing yourself does not.
END OF IGNORANT FAN COMPLAINING.
We're 5-3, one win away from Shreveport/Memphis/Birmingham, and one year removed from a team that won ZERO SEC games last year and shall go down in history as the worst team in school history, a history that includes Ed Orgeron as a head coach for three years. Also, HOOTIE BOWL CHAMPS 2012.
Georgia 17, Florida 9
If you are a lover of offenses doing things poorly 95% of the time, turnovers (9), penalties (24), and Jarvis Jones wrecking Florida football, then you had yourself a delightful Saturday afternoon. Jones was one of the few who did not succumb to the pressure of doing everything in his power to make sure I took a nap early in the third quarter, as he caused general failure and/or panic throughout the Florida offense.
Everyone else, especially Jeff Driskel and Aaron Murray, knew I needed 30-ish minutes of unconsciousness and saw that I had a nice little nap. Save for Georgia's drive to go up 17-9, which was sparked by a Florida penalty, and Florida's last drive, which ended in a turnover, it was not a pleasant viewing experience.
But, Will Muschamp did learn that even with a quarterback driving the offense off a cliff, 6 turnovers, and 10 penalties, there's STILL a decent chance of beating Mark Richt.
Texas A&M 63, Auburn 21
We just need to make sure Trooper Taylor lands somewhere in the SEC next year. I can't bear the thought of following a conference with 100% less coach towel-waving.
Vanderbilt 49, Massachusetts 7
Or a conference without a fitted backwards hat-wearer as a coach? UNACCEPTABLE.
Alabama 38, Mississippi State 7
Take heart, Bulldog fans, like every other team Alabama has faced this year, you too were equally swallowed whole. In fact, fellow Sun Belter Western Kentucky lost by a comparable 35-0 in Tuscaloosa. The good news is that no one was injured (at least I think that's right), other than a championship claim of some sort, and a 10-win season is still a possibility.
Mississippi State, mostly its fans, took a lot of crap last week for being excited and believing they would be 8-0 after this game (sadly, I never saw a #WeBelieve with Sylvester Croom or Jackie Sherrill). And while it was highly enjoyable watching all of that excitement come crashing down by about 8:15 Saturday night, who among us at schools where starting 7-0 happens about every NEVER wouldn't be filled with an equal amount of obnoxiousness?
If Ole Miss ever started 7-0 (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...SAD FACE), insufferable people would seem like nice people to hang out with after coming into contact with me. I would get fired from my job because I would do nothing at work, assuming I could even bring myself to go to work, other than read every article ever written about the current season and constantly talk about it to people there who don't care. And my family and friends, who have to like me, would hate me and I WOULD LOVE IT SO MUCH.
So good for them they got to live it up for a few weeks before reality came back and said, "REMEMBER ME?"
Double Your Paycheck Picks
Week: 2-5 (.285)
Season: 36-32-1 (.521)
2012 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Tyler Bray 10
2. Bo Wallace 9
3. Kiehl Frazier 8
4. Tyler Wilson 7
4. Aaron Murray 7
6. Johnny Manziel 6
7. Corbin Berkstresser 5
7. Connor Shaw 5
9. Maxwell Smith 4
9. Zach Mettenberger 4
11. Brandon Allen 3
11. Morgan Newton 3
11. Clint Moseley 3
11. Jeff Driskel 3
15. James Franklin 2
15. Jalen Whitlow 2
15. Jordan Rodgers 2
15. Tyler Russell 2
19. Dylan Thompson 1
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
Will the high concentration of maroon and white lead to hundreds of cases of sensory overload? Will Johnny Maziel burn down another Mississippi school and claim it as #MyState? Will Dan Mullen refer to this as the Championship of Maroon and White?
Ole Miss at Georgia
Will Georgia do Georgia things after a big win let Ole Miss hang around for many minutes more than they should? Will there be a Bible sword drill at halftime between Mark Richt and Hugh Freeze? Will Ole Miss fans claim a #TimeSlotChampionship after this game was selected for the 2:30 CBS spot (b-team announcers since Uncle Verne will be in Baton Rouge) instead of the State/A&M game?
Alabama at LSU
Wil Zach Mettenberger look lost, desperately lost, or Jordan Jefferson? Will Nick Saban murder whoever suggests a reverse wide receiver pass during a drive that gets deep inside LSU territory? Will Les Miles finally give a halftime interview in which he only uses nouns?