Despite all assurances to the contrary, the Washington-area professional football team has just announced that Gross Rexman is going to be the starter.
While I wasn't so excited by John Beck, I believed the reports that with his better arm and mobility, Beck has an upside. I believed the tales that Shanahan had his eye on Beck for years and tried to draft him, and went out of his way to bring him to the DC Skins.
I accepted the conventional wisdom, confidently related by analysts such as ESPN's Dan Graziano (NFC East blog) which explained that Beck would start, and perhaps Shanahan had even uncovered a dusky jewel for the team which he is radically rebuilding.
Wrong! Instead, it'll be Gross Rexman, who loses a turnover per every 10 completions. It'll be Gross Rexman, who showed up at camp pudgy and bloated, with sweaty hands. It'll be Gross Rexman, a player so worthy of disrespect that Zsa Zsa Gabor once called him "irrelevent."
Here's a prediction: 9 in the box will snuff our run game, 3 and outs + turnovers will keep our Potemkin Village defense exposed to the elements for 100 plays a game. Cue the benching around week 4, whereby a now-deflated John Beck (who announced himself as the starter months ago) will trudge onto the field and get dismembered like a medieval Jew. A QB muddle for the rest of the season will lead to another 6-10 record (at best) and no prospect at the position for next year.
In other news, Brandon Banks bounced back from knee surgery (!) to return a punt for a preseason TD and thusly survived the final cut. He will have many, many opportunities to return kickoffs this year.