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My Own Personal Jihads

You can't watch the news these days without hearing a of new 'Jihad' being proclaimed against someone or something. In the good old days, these were just 'struggles', valiant efforts by some religious folk to fight against the temptations of Satan.

Fair enough. But since the rise of global Islamic-fascism and their subsequent terrorist attacks, the term 'Jihad' has come to mean 'Holy War'. And like cell phones or the latest Black Eyed Peas mp3, everyone these days has to have one. It has become almost fashionable. As such, it has lost a little of its cache.

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I first became familiar with the terms 'Jihad' and 'fatwa' back when Salman Rushdie made headlines with his book 'The Satanic Verses', which caused several Islamic leaders heads to explode.

At the time, it was kind of a scary concept. An entire group of people announcing that they were, in effect, your enemy. Rushdie went into hiding for several years which just added to the 'Jihad' mystique.

Since then, we've seen Jihads against countries, people, races, individuals, corporations, etc. Like shuttle launches, no one really gets that jived about them anymore.

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Just this past week, Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi issued a statement where he called for a Jihad against….Switzerland!

There's an old entertainment term for when a television show has officially passed the point of significance: it has 'jumped the shark'. This latest rally cry indicates that announcing Jihads has reached that mark. The saying is now: Jihads are like ideas and a**holes: everybody has one.

Now it's my turn. I've held back long enough, and now the time has come for me to announce my own personal Jihads.

My first Jihad is against those idiots who insist on crawling in the left-hand lane on the freeway. That is commonly known as the 'fast' lane. Step on the gas or park the car. Your choice. But enough is enough.

My second Jihad targets those granola-munching enviroNazi's who insist that there should be no debate about climate change. Recent incidents like Climate Gate have thrown those doors wide open, my little green friends. It seems that the 'denier' shoe is on the other foot, now. (Come to think of it, a sub-Jihad against morons who use the term 'denier' to label those who hold opposing views. It isn't dignified.)

A Jihad against those annoying addicts who think it's a great idea to have the 7/11 cashier check 67 Lotto tickets at rush hour while the line of customers waiting to pay for gas forever grows behind them. 7/11 is open 24 hours, bonehead. You are an addict, so act like one and come back at 3:00am.

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A huge Jihad against those who criticized the Canadian Olympic Women's hockey team for their on-ice cigar and beer celebration after winning the Gold medal, specifically the IOC. You old farts always have to bitch and complain about something, don't you? Considering your organization was led by a suspected Nazi for years, the amount of moral authority you have is zero.

And a Jihad against Hockey Canada for their decision to apologize for the above incident. No one had anything to apologize for. Apologizing for daring to let loose and celebrate a Gold medal? How traditionally Canadian. How pathetic.

Finally, a Jihad against the multitude of Jihads. No one really takes them or the people who give them seriously anymore, do they?


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