Last week, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., called for the spanking of the president. She announced this to the website, World Net Daily, and she meant it as a metaphor. I assume. But I had never heard that particular metaphor used by a sitting member of congress toward a president. What could cause her to employ this extraordinary turn of phrase?
It seems that swimming around somewhere in Bachmann’s psyche is a mental picture of herself spanking President Barack Obama. Or maybe — and I’m just sayin’ — it is an issue of transference. Maybe she is envisioning Obama administering a firm, sharp spanking across her own behind.
Seriously, could that be? Could we have just been treated to a candid and not altogether savory snapshot of Congresswoman and Former Presidential Candidate Bachmann’s private fantasies? Or am I a little twisted to think so?
No, it would appear, I’m not.
According to a 2007 study by British psychologist Brett Kahr, author of the book “Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies,” 7 percent of women fantasize about spanking someone while 18 percent of men do, and while almost twice as many — 13 percent — enjoy fantasies about being on the receiving end of a good spanking. Eleven percent of men entertain this fantasy, according to Kahr’s findings. So if Bachmann truly harbors this particular strain of erotic wish dream, she is not alone.
Nor would she be alone in experiencing inner conflict about her thirst for a lusty slap on the bottom. Jaqueline Omerta, a licensed family therapist and author of the five-part e-book series, “The Psychology of Adult Spanking,” explains that, “cognitive dissonance or a split in our thinking is something that all spankos experience at some level.” Even in today’s sexually overt culture, the craving to spank and be spanked — that is, to be a “spanko” — remains a source of shame and guilt. A staunch social conservative such as the four-term representative from Minnesota’s Sixth District, is likely to feel these repressive emotions more powerfully than your average Hollywood liberal. Take, for example, the singer Rihanna who told Rolling Stone magazine, “I like to be spanked,” because, “you get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your s---.”
My hypothesis, and I sincerely hope some reputable researcher gets a government grant to test it, is that Bachmann’s feelings of guilt caused her to sublimate her inner desire for a presidential spanking session into the language of politics. She told World Net Daily that the president should be spanked “with the checkbook” by Congress. This, she said, would cause Obama to lose his grip on his “magic wand.” By which, of course, she meant his power to implement policy by executive order, bypassing congressional approval.
It cannot be healthy to bottle up one’s feelings that way. My prescription for Bachmann is simply to embrace her inner spanko. Take Rihanna as your role model. Let Obama be in charge of your s---. Even if just for one, naughty, delicious moment. After all, according to Gloria Brame, clinical sexologist and author of “Different Loving: the World of Sexual Dominance & Submission,” spanking feels good. Treat yourself to “the delightful sting and the delightful warmth,” as Brame describes it. More importantly, spanking can lead to healthier relationships, according to Northern Illinois University in DeKalb researcher Brad Sagarin. His 2009 study published in New Scientist magazine found that, “spanking is stressful at first, but it could bring consenting couples closer together.”
That right there is science, Mrs. Bachmann. We know all about your denial of science in fields such as climate change and evolution. But we respectfully implore you to open your mind and heart to the science of spankology. You just might take a more open, compassionate view of the people in your life, such as the president, once you can be honest with yourself. Remember the words of spanking expert Jaqueline Omerta. “You did not choose to like spanking; spanking chose to like you.”
Michele Bachmann Wants To Spank Obama, Grab His Magic Wand (Wonkette)
The Science Of Spanking (Esquire)
Spanking and Guilt (Jaqueline Omerta)
Michele Bachmann: Man-Made Climate Change is “Manufactured Science” (Think Progress)
Michele Bachmann on Creationism (The Bachmann Record)
Spanking “Brings Couples Together” (New Scientist)
Rihanna Opens Up Like Never Before in Rolling Stone Cover Story (Rolling Stone)