While practicing yoga do you find your thoughts floating away from your mat? Do you find yourself hovering between two worlds? The world that keeps beckoning you to come back and be with your practice and the other that whispers the word 'forgive'! I find this happens to me at times.
I use to have a difficult time trying to stay in the moment. The word 'forgive' would keep ringing loud. Exhaling the word away would help at times and at other times the difficulty of the pose would banish it from my mind. Unfortunately neither hoof these methods would have lasting effects.....
After a class I would allow myself to give into whatever was being stirred and let my heart feel and hear the vibrations of the sound 'Forgive' would make. I stayed with these sounds and the sensations that would arise with it. I slowly began to observe feelings of disappointment, hurt, betrayal, goals or dreams that could not be fulfilled, shame, guilt and regret were very apparent in my being. With each sensation came a story or a past that was never really acknowledged by me. I would just tuck them away into a black imaginary iron box that had a strong lock. Feelings that were never to be felt until now.
So why is it all pushing its way out NOW? I thought I was at a peaceful place in my life. I am doing the things I love the most. Simple as it may sound but difficult to understand or practice. I am stagnant on my journey and until I 'Forgive', Yes forgive myself I cannot and will not move any further. If I can surrender my patience, emotions or even my spirit to the universe then why not surrender my forgiveness? Why am I holding back on this? Because if I do forgive, then this act of forgiving means I have not held myself responsible for my actions! Harsh as it may sound it is my truth! By reminding myself of my wrong doings I was sentencing myself. I was my own judge and juror.
Forgiving oneself is very difficult and until ones does, the healing cannot begin. I have made mistakes that I am not very proud of and the more I hide them in that little black iron box the more cemented or rooted they become within me. I made poor judgments or decisions and although I have made amends with the consequences, I have held onto the blame.
Through a regular practice of yoga I have managed to unearth this black iron box TREASURE CHEST. I have stepped into my journey of forgiving myself. By unlocking each story and emotion I will be able to go back in time and slowly forgive myself.
After all these experiences played a part in creating the person I am today. I cannot distance myself from them. I can only learn from it. Out of forgiveness comes respect, love, kindness and compassion and my heart and mind are ready to peek into this path of forgiveness.
"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness" Robert Muller