TEXAS PETE POWER POLL HEAT INDEX CHILI PEPPERS
Ranking those who carried on while others around them were crushed by failure and/or incompetence.
1. Jarvis Jones
The primary reason Will Muschamp is, at this very moment, gnawing on the corner of his desk in his office.
2. Mark Richt
Got his team to the part of the season where all they have to do is beat Ole Miss and Auburn to return to Atlanta. SURELY even Georgia can't Georgia that, right?
3. Nick Saban
Assumed total control of the SEC West and earned a special place in my heart for showing digust with his offense for screwing up the kneel-down when they were forced, due to poor clock awareness, to kneel twice in the last 45 seconds.
4. Hugh Freeze
I wish there was a way to simulate how many consecutive SEC games Houston Nutt would have lost had he remained at Ole Miss indefinitely. I feel confident he could have reached 30+ territory.
5. (Reserved for those who coached/played against Tennessee)
Even though it was Tennessee, earth was scorched and domination was achieved.
6. (Reserved for those who coached/played against Auburn)
Even though it was Auburn, earth was triple-scorched and 2,000% domination was achieved.
7. Bryson Rose
I'm sure his inclusion here and coming praise will result in a missed field goal to lose a future game, but if he doesn't make that field goal against Arkansas, Ole Miss crumbles in overtime.
8. Jefferson Pilot Game
Flexed its old muscle and brought us just over 3 1/2 hours of football that, in the old days, would have run well into CBS' coverage of the Florida/Georgia game.
9. Gary Pinkel
Won his school's first SEC game and no one really noticed because Kentucky and Missouri.
10. Jonathan Wallace
Gene Chizik announced today that Wallace, who played fairly well against Texas A&M (considering what Auburn usually does), will start this week. If he plays poorly and Auburn loses to New Mexico State this week, expect a Sunday firing of Chizik. So, you know, NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING.
JEFFERSON PILOT POWER POLL OF FAILURE
Ranking those who collapsed under the weight of their incompetence and/or lack of skill
1. Kentucky football
I fully support a Kansas State-like move where Kentucky brings back the retired Rich Brooks to fix the program. While I'll miss the Twitter pictures of rivers in Oregon and tales of winnning money during Tuesday's golf round, we need more Rich Brooks in this world.
2. Gene Chizik
Continuing to set records for Auburn football. This time, points allowed (63) and total offense allowed (671).
3. Ted Roof
He gets an assist in those records because you don't wash the Ted Roof off within the year.
4. Brian VanGorder
VanGorder leaves the Falcons and they've yet to lose. He joins Auburn and they've yet to win a conference game.
5. Kentucky/Missouri game
Even the highlights are nearly unwatchable. I vote for a best-out-of-five coin toss next year instead of a game.
6. Jeff Driskel
As a fan of teams other than mine displaying comically bad quarterbacking, his performance was outstanding.
7. Derek Dooley's stool (not poop, but an actual stool)
Granted I didn't see the majority of the game, but I think the stool spent most of the time being ignored by Dooley and in the hands of a GA.
8. Aaron Murray
Only finishes behind Driskel because Driskel threw in two fumbles with his two interceptions. But Murray's failure was also very much enjoyed.
9. Tyler Wilson
If Ole Miss defensive backs had hands made of non-iron materials, Wilson would have jumped into Tyler Bray territory in the Jevan Snead Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Quarterbacking Failure.
10. Nick Saban
"PAAAAWWWWLLLL, DID YOU SEE WHAT THEM STATE PEOPLE DID TO OUR STATUES? THAT SHOULDA BEEN WORTH ANOTHER FOUR TOUCHDOWNS. NOT SURE THIS TEAM RESPECTS THE BEAR AND OUR HISTORY."