A retired New Orleans, Louisiana, fireman lived his life reading odd obituaries, so his kids decided he should have a hilarious one upon his death.
William Ziegler, 69, passed away on July 29, or, as his obituary in The Times-Picayune states, “he escaped this mortal realm” on that day.
“We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election,” the Aug. 12 obituary written by his children states. “He leaves behind four children, five grand-children, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food."
That is only the beginning of Ziegler’s extremely funny obituary.
"It was a combined effort," Sharah Currier, one of Ziegler's four children, told The Times-Picayune. “My brothers, my sister and myself batted it around for a couple weeks before we posted it."
The obituary describes Ziegler’s time in the U.S. Navy, before realizing he did not like being bossed around.
“He only stuck it out for one war,” the obituary says, while mentioning that he was awarded numerous ribbons and medals for his honorable service.
Ziegler then became a fireman for the city of New Orleans.
“After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them,” the obituary reads. “ He promptly retired. Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).”
As for Bob, he’s part of an inside joke.
“There was no Bob," Currier told the paper. "At least I hope not. That was a running joke with my dad.”
Ziegler did not want a funeral service, but did ask that well-wishers do something a bit unique.
“Well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor,” the obituary explains. “He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.”
The obituary also includes what Ziegler expects to be doing in Heaven.
“He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don't open these at work),” it reads. “Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends.
The obituary concludes with: “He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.”
As a hobby, Ziegler would collected odd obituaries and send them to his children. That is why they felt he deserved to have a forward-worthy obituary.
“He would have loved this,” Currier told The Times-Picayune. “He probably would have forwarded this obituary to us.”