Religion
Religion

Santorum Declares War on Pornography

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Everybody's favorite culture warrior is talking about sex on the stump again. Surprise! He thinks it's gross.

Republican presidential candidate Rick "man on dog" Santorum has promised to initiate a war on pornography if he is elected. He didn't mention whether he would appeal to congress for a formal declaration of war or if this was one of those historically effective metaphorical wars, like the War on Drugs.

"America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography," Santorum wrote in a statement posted on his campaign website. "It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking. Current federal obscenity laws prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the internet, on cable/satellite TV, on hotel/motel TV, in retail shops and through the mail or by common carrier. These laws should be vigorously enforced."

Come on Rick, porn producers aren't just smut peddlers - they're job creators. Think of all the cinematographers, lighting designers and fluffers that rely on this billion-dollar industry. They're all honest, hardworking Americans - the fluffers most of all. This war is going to send their jobs overseas.

I'm sure Rick has already done those calculations, though. What we have to remember is that Rick Santorum knows better than we do about what's good for us. He understands that gay stuff is weird, contraception is for protestants and abortion makes you lazy. The best thing we can do is fall in line with Ricky's personal moral code.

So, in the spirit of moral conformity, I have a few suggestions to ensure Rick's success in his War on Porn:

As with any military campaign, Santorum needs to begin with a round of crippling economic sanctions. He needs to divert military resources from Afghanistan to shut off the condom and lubrication supply routes into the San Fernando Valley. That'll show those dirty birdies that Rick means business.

Next he needs to isolate Tampa - they're San Fernando's most important strategic ally in the region.

And of course, no modern campaign would be complete without some cyber espionage. The internet is currently over 1% porn. I suggest Rick create a new government agency charged with scanning every piece of media on the internet and eliminating the offending files.

Kate Upton in a swimsuit - okay.

That girl from Glee leaning over her macbook - no way, Jose.

To cover the cost of this new government function he can divert all the funding from the public school system that he already eliminated.

Most importantly, however, Big Rick needs to build a coalition of the willing. If he's going to go after the porn industry, he needs to make sure there isn't a spec of daylight between him and his key allies. Now I know Newt Gingrich likes him some porn, and Republican Party Godhead, Rush Limbaugh tipped his hand when declared his preference for amateur videos amidst the whole Sandra Fluke debacle.

These guys need to get on the same page, and quick. Otherwise the lemmings in the Republican base won't know which way to follow.