President Barack Obama spoke at the Renaissance Washington in front of 650 reporters, politicians and military members on Saturday night.
The annual Gridiron Dinner offers its headliners a chance to flex their comedic muscles, and President Obama took full advantage of that opportunity this weekend.
Check out his entire speech from the 128th Gridiron Dinner in the transcript below.
THE PRESIDENT: Before I begin, I know some of you have noticed that I'm dressed a little differently from the other gentlemen. Because of sequester, they cut my tails. (Laughter.) My joke writers have been placed on furlough. (Laughter.) I know a lot of you reported that no one will feel any immediate impact because of the sequester. Well, you’re about to find out how wrong you are. (Laughter.)
Of course, there’s one thing in Washington that didn’t get cut — the length of this dinner. (Laughter.) Yet more proof that the sequester makes no sense. (Laughter.)
As you know, I last attended the Gridiron dinner two years ago. Back then, I addressed a number of topics — a dysfunctional Congress, a looming budget crisis, complaints that I don’t spend enough time with the press. It’s funny, it seems like it was just yesterday. (Laughter.)
We noticed that some folks couldn’t make it this evening. It's been noted that Bob Woodward sends his regrets, which Gene Sperling predicted. (Laughter.) I have to admit this whole brouhaha had me a little surprised. Who knew Gene could be so intimidating? (Laughter.) Or let me phrase it differently — who knew anybody named Gene could be this intimidating? (Laughter.)
Now I know that some folks think we responded to Woodward too aggressively. But hey, when has — can anybody tell me when an administration has ever regretted picking a fight with Bob Woodward? (Laughter.) What’s the worst that could happen? (Laughter and applause.)
But don’t worry. We’re all friends again in the spirit of that wonderful song. As you may have heard, Bob invited Gene over to his place. And Bob says he actually thinks that I should make it too. And I might take him up on the offer. I mean, nothing says "not a threat" like showing up at somebody's house with guys with machine guns. (Laughter.)
Now, since I don’t often speak to a room full of journalists — (laughter) — I thought I should address a few concerns tonight. Some of you have said that I’m ignoring the Washington press corps — that we're too controlling. You know what, you were right. I was wrong and I want to apologize in a video you can watch exclusively at whitehouse.gov. (Laughter.)
While we’re on this subject, I want to acknowledge Ed Henry, who is here — who is the fearless leader of the Washington press corps now. (Applause.) And at Ed’s request, tonight I will take one question from the press. Jay, do we have a question? (Laughter.) Surprisingly, it’s a question from Ed Henry. (Laughter.) “Mr. President, will you be taking any questions tonight?” (Laughter.) I'm happy to answer that. No, Ed, I will not. (Laughter.)
also want to recognize David Corn. He’s here from Mother Jones magazine. He brought his iPhone. So Bobby Jindal, if you thought your remarks were off the record, ask Mitt Romney about that. (Applause.)
I have to say, I thought Bobby was incredibly funny this evening. (Applause.) I thought he was terrific. Amy Klobuchar was sparkling and fantastic and fabulous. (Applause.) I am worried about Al Franken though. (Laughter.) How do you start off being one of the original writers for Saturday Night Live and end up being the second-funniest Senator in Minnesota? (Laughter and applause.) How the mighty have fallen. (Laughter.)