© 2011 Roy Benaroch, MD
Dateline Washington, DC
Frustrated by a lack of progress in solving the nation’s escalating debt, the Children of the United States have called for a general strike of all childish behavior.
Last May, at their annual convention in Washington, the Children of America passed a strongly worded resolution criticizing adults for their financial decisions:
“We, the children of The United States, accuse our parents and our grandparents of bankrupting not only their own country, but the country that we had hoped to inherit. You’ve ruined everything. Adults suck.”
Since then, the Subcommittee on Money and Allowances has been watching for signs that the nation’s adults have, in fact, taken steps to address the ballooning debt. As spokesperson Courtney Simpson says, no progress has been made. In fact, the debt is only climbing faster.
“It’s like, they’re out of control,” Ms. Simpson, age 10, reported to the Executive Committee. “They only seem to be able to increase how much money they spend. All they do is talk and talk and spend. It’s like their suckiness is getting worse, you know?”
At this point the Executive Committee, during its interim meeting, opened the floor for suggestions.
Nine-year-old Marcus Black suggested sending his parents to their room. “Yeah, but then they have their phones and credit cards. They’d probably end up shopping or something,” he decided, withdrawing his idea.
Other children in attendance were more direct. “We could, like, not give them their dinner until they, you know, voted to stop spending. Or we could leave them at the mall the way my mom says she’ll leave me if I keep knocking over the mannikins,” suggested 8-year-old Sophia Vontreal.
The resolution that passed, however, will have more far-reaching consequences. By an overwhelming majority, the nation’s children have called on a general strike from all childish behavior. Chairman Daniel McPhearson, 11, says that the strike is needed to teach the adults a lesson. “They need to grow up,” he says, “and learn to only spend what they’ve got and they won’t get any allowances in advance any more.”
According to the terms of the strike, children will no longer participate in the following activities:
- Making art to send to grandma
- Singing songs on the potty
- Painting the dog’s toenails
- Eating cupcakes (*chocolate cupcakes excepted)
Further restrictions on childish behavior may be forthcoming. The strike will continue, Chairman McPhearson says, “Until the adults stop spending all the money and start acting less sucky.”
None of the nation’s 230 million adults could be reached for comment.
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