If you're anything like us (which you definitely probably are) then you spent a disturbing amount of time last night staring dumbly at ITV1, wondering if you'd still bang Philip Schofield. The jury's still out on that one, for us, but we'll get back to you as things develop.
What's definite, at this point, is that the celebrities on Dancing On Ice are sh*t at ice dancing. Like, really very bad indeed. Even Shayne Ward, who did his ice dance to that wub-wub-wub-wub song from the Internet Explorer advert, couldn't break 20/40. Let's hope we see some marked improvement in the next few weeks, or we might as well just pop down to the local ice rink and watch a bunch of amateurs cling to the sides. Mind, they wouldn't be wearing basically underwear, so it'd be different in at least one respect.
Pamela Anderson wore basically underwear last night, but that still couldn't save her from being rejected by the voting public. She landed in the bottom two with Keith Chegwin and was sent packing by the judges. Oh, and her sparkly nipple covers popped out during her 'save me' dance, much to Schofe's delight:
"If it had happened a little earlier this evening you'd have been guaranteed a place in the final."
Ooh, Schofe, we're so confused about whether we would do you.
Anyway, as well as Cheggers, Shayne Ward and Pammy, last night also saw Samia Ghadie, Beth Tweddle and Matt Lapinskas sliding round on the ice, doing dance moves and sexy faces.
Welcome back, Dancing On Ice! Truly, one of the most baffling and strange uses of primetime airtime we have ever seen. We're not sure if we love it or fear that it will come for us in our sleep, but we look forward to seeing Joe Pasquale doing his dance next week!