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The Worst Thing You Could Possibly Say in Front of Your Pediatrician

The Pediatric Insider

© 2011 Roy Benaroch, MD

“Hello and welcome, everyone! Welcome to the first annual Worsties award, hosted by me, your host, Mark Winkerdale!”

<muted applause>

“Tonight we’ll reveal our top winner, the absolute Worst Thing You Could Possibly Say in Front of Your Pediatrician! But first, we have a few runners-up! And don’t bother trying to sneak out, we’ve locked all of the doors and the security guards have tasers!”


“First, in the category ‘Don’t make a liar out of me,’ we have this gem from Ms. Edith Spangler of Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Ms. Spangler, what did you say?”

A big video screen drops from the ceiling, showing a short clip of Ms. Spangler saying, “I said to the doctor, tell my boy ‘Big boys don’t pee in the bed.’”

“That’s a great one! Not only is it a lie, but it makes your son feel guilty and tells him that both his mom and doctor think he’s a great big baby! What a line!”


“Next up, from the category ‘Let’s have the doctor be the evil one,’ comes a special request from Mr. Arthur Pewtie of Omaha. Listen to what he asked the pediatrician to say to his four year old daughter!”

“You tell her, doc. Tell her Santa won’t come if she still sucks her thumb.”


“Ha ha, that’s great! That’ll teach her the true meaning of Christmas! But now, with no further ado, it’s time to present the top award, for The Worst Possible Thing to Say in Front of Your Pediatrician. This one combines cruelty with misinformation, makes the pediatrician out to be a monster, and is guaranteed to make a child even more upset and hysterical! What could possibly top this one?! Ladies and gentlemen, the winner!”

<drum roll>

“You hold still, or the doctor is going to give you a shot!”

<rim shot>



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