By: Allison Norris
I apologize for the vulgar language in this post…but that’s precisely what this post is about. If cussing makes you uncomfortable, or you are under 17, maybe skip this one.
Along with the two yapping chihuahuas and loud-mouthed beagle, I live next door to Ballard High School. My driveway practically touches the football field and some days I can tell when the coach is really pissed…because I can hear him.
Being in the presence of high school students makes anyone nervous, except for high school students, of course. Tight pants that sag, back packs cinched to the tightest length, Justin Bieber haircuts, and foul mouths are very in style this fall.
School has only been in session for a week or so and already we’ve had an eye…and earful. Baylor and I were coming back from a glorious walk to the public library and got to our corner. It was filled with high school youth…smoking, cell phoning, gossiping, and causing trouble – I’m sure of it. A girl with curves that I have not and will not ever have was walking a few feet in front of us. Her tight black Ed Hardy sweatpants had wings up the back of her thighs and were in full flight across her ass. She saw two skinny guys 300 feet away and screamed, “OH MY F***ING GAWD, WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU GUYS F***ING DOING?!” Was she mad? Excited? I wasn’t sure.
She shuffle-ran with her arms up, wrists cocked to the side, and flapped her way up to the guys to give them the biggest hugs that I have ever seen. Like they wanted a hug…
“What the f*** have you guys been up to?” She was dying to know.
“F***in’ nothin’. Just chillin’ and s**t. Just f***in’ hatin’ bein’ back at school and all the bitch a** teachers tellin’ me what to do.”
“I know! What the f***?!” She was totally on his side… Duh.
Just then the other skinny kid had a very profound idea.
“Dudes, we should f***in’ get slurpees at 7-11 and have our f***in’ mouths turn blue n’ s***!”
Are these the leaders of our future?
Baylor and I tried to ditch the posse and made our way back home. I vowed not to hit the streets during the times that students were out of school and milling about like wild animals out of their cages.
But then, today right around lunch time, Baylor and I were chasing garbage trucks down the street and it happened again. Four Justin Biebers hopped out of a minivan carrying McDonald's paper bags and had those cinched-up backpacks. They were behind a bush and didn’t see us coming.
“Hurry the f*** up!” Justin Bieber #1 demanded.
“Dude, shut up! I’m getting all my s***.” JB #2 responded.
“What s***?” JB #3 asked.
“My s***, and s***…” Oh, that s***.
They barreled around the bush to head towards Ballard High School on the sidewalk along my street.
“Oops, I mean ‘shoot,’” One of the JBs corrected himself when he saw Baylor. Good boy.
“Nice, dude, swearing around kids and s***… OOPS, I just said S***!”
They laughed and continued in their back-to-school-clean sneakers to the high school. Baylor and I kept looking for the garbage man in his truck so that he could wave at him. It’s super cool to chase garbage trucks when you are a 1-year-old. And then, in 15 years, it’ll be even cooler to sound like a total idiot and say “f***in” and “s***” just because you are trying to be a grown up when grown ups aren’t around.
Better f***in’ watch out for me, kids… I’m going to wash those mouths out with some serious soap. No s***.