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Chocolate, Chocolate Everywhere

by Kal Cobalt (appearing originally in SexIs Magazine on December 09, 2010)

It’s a no-brainer: chocolate and sex go together. But just as “sex” means a million different things these days, so does “chocolate.” You probably have a good idea of what kind of sex you’re aiming for, but do you know what you want out of your chocolate?

With its reputation for decadence, sensuality, and romance, chocolate is an historically effective wingman. Its popularity has left culinary-minded lovers with a plethora of options, which can often feel like an embarrassment of riches as you gaze at shelves and shelves of chocolatey choices.

Come To The Dark Side... Or Go Toward The Light

Chocolate color isn’t just a cosmetic choice: the color of chocolate can tell you a lot about what’s “under the hood.” Let’s start with the pure stuff and work our way up:

• Unsweetened (“baking”) chocolate is unadulterated by butters or sweeteners. Trust me, it doesn’t taste that great straight up.

• Dark chocolate is cocoa mixed with fat and sugar, and it tastes as good as that sounds. Many dark chocolate bars boast a cocoa percentage on the label, and typically higher percentages are considered more desirable.

• Semisweet chocolate, as a type of dark chocolate, is also cocoa mixed with fat and sugar, but tends to have much less sugar than other dark chocolates. Most chocolate chip cookies are made with semisweet chips, which are great for a chocolate flavor in a dish you don’t want overwhelmed by sweetness coming from the chocolate itself.

• Milk chocolate includes milk products (surprise!) to create a generally smoother, lighter chocolate. Milk chocolate is the ubiquitous “candy bar” chocolate.

• White chocolate contains milk solids and cocoa butter instead of cocoa solids, which disqualifies it as an actual chocolate in some circles.
Then, of course, there’s chocolate fudge, chocolate sauce, hot chocolate … chocolate body paint even ... the list goes on!

Chocolate Is Dangerously Good... No, Really

Believe it or not, there are some dangers to inviting chocolate on your hot date. Fortunately, being well-informed is always in style and very sexy, so let’s talk about what you need to know as a responsible choco-vore.

Do you own a pet who likes to meddle in your snacks? Chocolate is a dangerous substance for most pets and can even be lethal. If you’re seeking a less risky nibble just in case Fluffy snarfs a mouthful, go with white chocolate: The absence of cocoa solids puts it squarely in the non-lethal category.

Let’s talk about the safety of your other warm fuzzy companion for a moment, too: your partner. Believe it or not, some people are allergic to chocolate, or to specific components used in some types of chocolate.

As always, be aware of your sweetie’s allergies before plotting an evening of nibbles and naughties—especially since chocolate-related allergies tend to result in unpleasant gastrointestinal symptoms

Keep in mind, too, that cocoa is a source of caffeine. While it’s unlikely to have much effect on those of us who drink a cup or two of coffee and are accustomed to higher caffeine levels, individuals who are highly caffeine-sensitive may have adverse reactions to intensely chocolatey dishes. Some religions also forbid the ingestion of caffeine, including that found in chocolate, putting it under the umbrella of mind-altering substances. (If you do not believe that caffeine is a mind-altering substance, you aren’t using it correctly.)

Enough Foreplay...Let's Get To The Goodies!

Now that you’ve, er, boned up on terminology and double-checked the safety of your plans, what exactly will you do with all your chocolate lust? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Fondue: It’s not just for cheese! Chocolate fondue is a versatile dessert that can be made as decadent or as calorie-conscious as you wish: use cubed fruits to keep the carbs and calories down, or go wild with cheesecake chunks, small balls of cookie dough, and croissant wedges. You’ll inevitably drip a little warm chocolate on yourself, and who knows how you and your companion will handle that.

• Chilled fruit delights are inexpensive and easy to make. Dip strawberries into melted chocolate or a prepared hard-shell chocolate dip, spread them on wax paper, and refrigerate or freeze. Drizzle chocolate on chunks of pineapple, then freeze for an after-sex snack. For an especially rejuvenating and enjoyably phallic between-rounds nibble, try inserting a popsicle stick into half a peeled banana and dip into a mixture of melted chocolate and peanut butter before freezing. (Sprinkling with nuts before freezing for the extra protein and giggle factor is optional.)

• Quality can turn plain-and-simple into staggeringly good: A gourmet straight-up bar of chocolate, paired with a very good red wine or an exceptional tea, can be an almost meditative sensual experience.

• Of course, any discussion of chocolate as foreplay wouldn’t be complete without a nod toward drizzling yourself with the stuff! Just be mindful of the sheets, remember that licking anything out of body hair isn’t most people’s idea of fun, and keep the sweet stuff out of any orifices it isn’t specifically marketed toward.


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