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13 Foods to Never, Ever, Ever Let Your Kids Eat

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It never stops: Every week, we find out about more foods that should never be allowed near our children ... or any human, for that matter.

1. Sandwich-in-a-Can

The deliciousness of a sandwich, with the convenience of a can …. Huh?! Yes, it’s true: The so-called “Candwich” comes in three flavors — peanut butter and strawberry jam, peanut butter and grape jam, and, if you have a death wish, BBQ chicken. Crack open a can of sandwich! Or not.

2. Cookie Crisp Breakfast Cereal

Cookie Crisp attempts to recreate “the great taste of chocolate chip cookies and milk.” Yum! But beware: If your kids continue on this nutritional path, one day they might find themselves enjoying “the great taste of drip IV” after being hospitalized for their first coronary.

3. Hot Cheetos and Cheese

A student at a California school took it upon himself to expose his cafeteria for serving food with almost zero nutritional value (unless, that is, you think a bag of hot Cheetos covered with cheese is a healthy school lunch choice).

4. Hot Beef Sundae

Wracking your brains trying to figure out a way to get your kid to contribute to the childhood obesity epidemic? It’s easy! Buy ’em a Hot Beef Sundae: a bowl filled with buttery mashed potatoes, roast beef, beef gravy and cheddar cheese, topped off with a ripe red cherry tomato.

5. Liquid Cereal

Kids bugging you for breakfast in the morning? Tell ’em to pop open a can of Liquid Cereal and get off your back. This bizarre food/drink item claims to be “a combination of real cereal and fat-free milk, blended into a satisfying beverage.” Mmm … breakfast never tasted so darn refreshing, right? Wrong.

6. IHOP Whoville Pancakes

Would you serve your kid cake for breakfast? Probably not. So why, why on earth would you let them order IHOP Whoville Pancakes?! This pile of sugar and carbs was served at IHOP to commemorate the movie release of “Horton Hears a Who!” Maybe they should’ve called this concoction “Horton Hears an Artery Bursting.”

7. Chicken Nuggets

That pink stuff in the picture is chicken. (Sad but true.) It’s the result of mechanically separating chicken. It ends up as one of the main ingredients in the kid fave known as “chicken nuggets.” You have been warned.

8. Combos

A yummy combination of diglycerides, maltodextrin and beef fat. Yay!

Combos Nacho Cheese Pretzel and Pepperoni Pizza Crackers incorporate all of the most lethal junk food kids love into one handy snack. An easy way to make sure you’re dropping the ball on your kids’ nutrition … one bag at a time.

9. 'Mess with Your Mouth' Lunchables

This is what happens when you let wieners take over your company. Oscar Mayer’s Lunchables “Mess with Your Mouth” edition comes with a packet of “Sour Tongue Teasing Fizz” — essentially a “Pop Rocks” kind of additive that kids sprinkle in their mouths along with their cheese and crackers. No word yet on whether “Sour Tongue Teasing Fizz” is a gateway drug ….

10. Caffeinated Chips

Kids are hyperactive balls of misguided energy. Why on earth would you serve them anything that would hop them up more than usual? Engobi describes their “Energy Go Bites” as HIGHLY caffeinated chips. Really? Will Engobi stay up with the kids when they’re bouncing off the walls at 1 AM after eating “Cinnamon Surge” and “Lemon Lift” chips?

11. Chicken in a Can

Kid: “What’s for dinner tonight, Mom?”
Mom: “How about Chicken in a Can?”
Kid: “Yeah!! I’ll get the can opener!!”

An entire 50 oz. chicken shoved in a can. ’Nuff said.

12. Miley Cyrus Candy

Forget about the fact that this candy looks suspiciously like … um, something else. Rather, focus on the fact that Hannah Montana even HAS her own candy. Two things that should never go together, in our opinion!

13. Sunny Delight

Sunny D apparently gets a “D” for nutritional value. According to Children’s Health Magazine, 16 ounces of the drink has all the nutritional value of a dozen Chips Ahoy! cookies.


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