In case you've only just crawled out from under all the mince pie dishes and corks and Quality Street wrappers you nested in during the Christmas break, you might have missed the news that Kim Kardashian has got a baby growing inside of her body from having Kanye West's sperm all up on her eggs and that. See, we DO know where babies come from.
Anyway, yes, the K-baby will be born in a few months, as it has only been cooking for 12 weeks (waitasecond, does that put Kim's due date within weeks of Kate Middleton's...? Interesting......) but until then Twitter will be awash with "will they call it Kraig? Or Karter? Or Klaire? Or Kooper? Or Ken! Oh, that last one actually works..." and we will likely report upon it when we see fit. So get used to it.
Not only is the pregnancy great news for Kim and Kanye, it's also really great news for Vivid Entertainment. Don't you pretend you don't know what Vivid sells. We know you know. They sell porn, specifically they own the Kim Kardashian sex tape. It's good news for them because since the pregnancy was announced on Monday, sales of Kim's sex tape have increased by 80%.
We're not sure how to explain this huge increase. Sure, maybe a handful of people heard the words "Kim Kardashian" and thought "I am yet to masturbate to her seminal (LOL!) sex tape. I should remedy that, by masturbating to her seminal (LOL!) sex tape," but that can't account for the whole increase. We're not sure why we're weirded out (we're prudes) but we are. It's weird, isn't it, to react to the news of an impending baby-coming-out-of-vagina situation by immediately watching and masturbating to a video of a penis going into that same vagina, right? No, YOU stop saying vagina.
Anyway, what does Kim's douchebag brother Rob think of all this (the baby, not the sex tape news)? People magazine reports that when asked, he said this:
"I'm so proud of my sisters, but I'll be married before I have a baby."
He really is a little shit, isn't he? That comment applies both to newly-preggers Kim and mother-of-two Kourtney, who we hope bitch slaps him for being such a dumbass douchebag. We're not their biggest fans, by a long shot, but this is a douchey thing to say.
And, anyway, Kim is married. That's right, Kris Humphries still won't divorce her! He wants an annulment and also probably a massive pay-off. So HAH, Rob, check your facts! Also, this is 2013, dude: children born out of wedlock aren't pariahs any more.