Parody of LeAnn Rimes' Press Release about Entering Rehab

As you know, I have a master’s degree in celebrity press release decoding. When it comes to Hollywood the excuses are epic. Drugs are exhaustion. A mental breakdown is a yoga retreat. You get the idea.

LeAnn Rimes, wife of celebrated cheater Eddie Cibrian has just announced she is “seeking help to address emotional issues.” Here is the release via People Magazine and my translation.

LeAnn Rimes Enters Treatment for Anxiety and Stress
08/30/2012 at 07:10 AM EDT

LeAnn Rimes is seeking help to address emotional issues.

And also possibly Adderall addiction and some other stuff thrown in.

“LeAnn has voluntarily entered a 30 day in-patient treatment facility to cope with anxiety and stress,” her rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement.

Wouldn’t you call sleeping two hours a night stressful? Close your eyes, wait until Eddie starts snoring. Tiptoe around bed and check his phone. Pretend you need to go to the bathroom. Go through his pant pockets. Get back into bed. Sleep 15 minutes. Wake up when text message comes in. Crawl out of bed and around the bed frame. Reach your go-go gadget arm around nightstand and check phone. Crawl back into bed. Wouldn’t that make you crazy????

“While there will be speculation regarding her treatment, she is simply there to learn and develop coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanism like how to eat more than 300 calories a day, curbing your 4-hour workouts, maintaining composure when a woman speaks to your husband, and cutting back on Botox and filler injections.

While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Although she’ll keep up updated with her status on Twitter, Facebook, and on Instagram.

Rimes – who checked in on Wednesday, the day after her 30th birthday – tells PEOPLE she hopes to emerge from treatment with better tools to deal with the life she’ll be returning to.

“This is just a time for me to emotionally check out for a second and take care of myself and come back in 30 days as the best 30-year-old woman I can be,” she says.

Did I just say I was 30? Eddie will stay with a 30 year old, right? I don’t need to worry about him leaving me for a 25 year old, right?

“All the things in my life will be there when I get out, but you know what? I’m hoping they’re not going to affect me as much,” she adds. “I’ll have the tools to know how to deal with them.”

My husband will be there, right? I know I encouraged him to cheat on his previous wife, but he wouldn’t do that to me, right? He can’t meet someone in 30 days?!

Rimes’s husband Eddie Cibrian, 39, tells PEOPLE he’s giving his wife his full support and praises her courage.

“My wife is the most remarkable and courageous woman I know,” says Cibrian. “I am so proud of her for having the strength to finally take some time for herself. I will be with her every step of the way.”

Ladies, I will be at Saddle Ranch on Sunset the next three days at 10:00 sitting at the bar. FYI – I like my women tall, malnourished, and preferably with breast implants.

Though Rimes has been the victim of body bullying in the past, her rep confirms she is not seeking treatment for an eating disorder or substance abuse.

Coughing, sorry.

The country star – who has been gearing up for the upcoming release of her latest studio album, Spitfire and a fall tour – will continue to perform in September during breaks from treatment. “The facility has granted her permission to keep her weekend tour obligations, as LeAnn doesn’t want to disappoint her fans,” adds her rep. “She will report back after each weekend.”

It’s amazing. She can leave her treatment center for gigs and to secretly follow her husband in unmarked cars. It’s a win-win situation for everyone!

-Kate Casey

Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey


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