It is our sad duty to report that the intended remake/reboot/regurgitation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise by Michael ‘terrible films’ Bay now has a shooting date. It’s being directed by Jonathan Liebesman (we’ve not seen any of his work) though we don’t yet know who has been drafted in to replace the previously rejected script. You have until April to make your protests known.
As you may have read, the heroes in a half shell are no longer teenagers or mutant. And they come from space.
Producer Michael ‘really, really awful films’ Bay initially announced his hope that “Kids will believe one day that these turtles do exist, when we’re done with this movie.”
But then there was apparently a rejected script which meddled with the back story, turning Shredder into Colonel Schrader who controls an army known as “The Foot”, the aliens only being called turtles because that’s what they thought they were and on visiting their home planet for the first time they realise that… oh it’s too dreadful to go on.
And then the film got shelved indefinitely and everyone breathed a sigh of relief for their unspoilt childhood.
But now it’s back, and begins shooting in New York this April. Curiously it’s being made by Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company, which previously concerned itself with milking the bleeding teats of previously successful horror films - 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 2005’s Amityville Horror, 2009’s Friday the 13th, 2010’s A Nightmare On Elm Street… do you see a pattern emerging?
Maybe we’ll find out that the Ninja Turtles wear masks because they’re actually serial killers. Alien serial killers who live in drains.
It won’t be any worse than what they already have planned.