Piers Morgan might be an execrable human being, but he's certainly not stupid. He knows very well that most people wouldn't put him out if he was on fire, even if it turned out the only way to extinguish the flames was by repeatedly punching him in the face. So he makes sure that the guests on Piers Morgan Tonight are even worse at not being arseholes than he is.
He's been achieving this recently by inviting people on the show who think the best way to deal with gun crime in the US is to simply make children more resistant to bullets. However, quickly realising that antagonising people who will kill to defend their right to kill is a bad idea, he's now started to instead focus on the kind of people who believe hand-to-hand combat, not guns, is the best way to deal with children. People like Davros imitator and father of the King of Pop, Joe Jackson.
To start off, Joe spoke about how, while the world may not like his techniques, they certainly liked the end results:
"I'm glad I was tough, because look what I came out with. I came out with some kids that everybody loved all over the world. And they treated everybody right,'
They treated some people even better than alright, from what we can remember.
"You know, Michael, he was a nice guy. ... The world (doesn't) know anything too much about Michael as far as how he was brought up. But he was brought up. I made sure that he respected the older people.'
'Well, you know that there was a reason why that [the child abuse lawsuiits] happened. They were trying to take control over Michael's life. Michael has paid out a lot of money, you know, what is it? Something like $22 million, you know, to keep this thing hushed down."
Money well spent. Worked a treat.
Finally, Joe moved onto how forgetful children are becoming these days:
"There's no such thing as beating a kid. You whip them or punish them over something they did and they will remember that. I had to be like that way because during those times, it was hard, and you have a lot of gangs there, you know, in the area where we were living,"
Very true, Joe. You speak to anyone and they'll say the one thing they know about the Jackson family is their propensity for physical and mental toughness. Ok, so some people might say that they're a complete fucking insane family led by a patriarch who beat one of his kids so badly he tried to change the colour of his skin to escape. Which is rude.
Most people don't think that though. Come on, who hasn't heard someone say "I wish I was as tough as Tito". Not us. We hear it all the time.