When you sit at home on your Irn-Bru-stained sofa bed, laughing at actors like Shia LaBeouf being rubbish in Transformers, have you ever stopped to think what he puts himself through to bring a role like that to life? No you haven't. For his latest movie roles, in The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman and Lars Von Trier's The Nymphomaniac, Shia took actual mind-bending drugs and did actual intercourse up a bare lady. It really is the hardest job in the world...
In a revealing and not at all clueless, ridiculous and up-one's-self interview with USA Today, Shia explained his reasons for completely misunderstanding method acting and just taking some LCD to see what it's like:
"There's a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there's a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to."
Wait, you're telling us that John Cho and Kal Penn weren't really tripping? Damn, those guys are good. And Shia, *SPOILER ALERT* Sean Penn is executed by lethal injection - on a vertical bed thing. What chair are you talking about, you lunatic? And we're pretty sure he didn't sample some of the killing juice to know what it felt like.
But the Beoufster is undaunted in his quest for an authentic cinematic experience, going so far as to put his own penis into the disgusting orifice of a woman, for his role in The Nymphomaniac (does anyone know what the film's about? Anyone?)
"I don't think there's anything wrong with sex," claims the 21st century Laurence Olivier. "Sex is beautiful if it's done right. And I wouldn't just do it for no reason..."
Exactly. He's doing it for you, people! He's going balls deep so that you can truly appreciate the beautiful act. In an earlier interview with MTV, Shia clarified that it will be proper nookie that you see on screen. Not pretend rutting, like those other actors do.
"It is what you think it is. There's a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says, we're doing it for real. And anything that is illegal will be shot in blurred images. But other than that, everything is happening."
You mean we're not even gonna get to see the dreadful deed? Oh for goodness sake.
Shia, you know you can save yourself a lot of time and effort by just, you know, using your imagination. You're supposed to pretend, otherwise it wouldn't be called acting it would be called doing. And no one gets an Oscar for doing.
You know the scene in Dumbo where he accidentally gets drunk? That's what taking acid is like. And sex? It's a bit like when you accidentally touch yourself in the bath, only it's tiring and you get shouted at afterwards. See, easy.