Disciplining your child is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. Of course you want to correct negative behaviors in the most productive way possible, but sometimes the words “military school” can sound pretty tempting. How can you be sure the way you discipline your child will produce a happy and healthy adult?
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The word discipline does not mean punishment. It comes from the same root word as disciple. You should teach your child so that he can learn from his experiences. When they are old enough to understand you can explain why. Thanks for your valuable time. Regards, children tantrum
children should be disciplined in a way where they understand what is expected of them, if they do something wrong they should know its wrong and why it's wrong. Children should not feel neglected if they get punished or if they don't get punished. By looking at the choices, there's only 2...which is quite not the range of punishments a child could receive and we always associate "physical" as something bad. Timeouts doesn't work because like I said children need to know what they're doing wrong, why they're doing wrong, and what they should be doing.
Timeout is like telling them they're wrong but not even letting them know what they did was wrong, so out of the thousands of thing a child do in a day, how would he possibly know what they did was wrong?
i believe spanking is just fine but not in all situations but ya all yall that say spanking is totally unacceptable your kids are the ones that normally grow up to be the worst try it a couple of times i bet your kids will straighten up after just a couple of spankings ...... believe me i used to be anti spanking until one day i just couldnt stand it anymore and it definitely works.
spanking shows that you mean business. I dont mean beating but a little tap shows that you will put up with no more. time out is no punishment. And trying to talk to kids who dont listen dont work either..my parents gave us light spankings and we grew up just fine. Soon learned what mom and dad would take and would not. I dont feel i was ever beat or abused just got my attention which is what kids need.
When I was a child, it was the fear of a slap on the face that kept me in line. If my mother hadn't been able to back up her discipline with that, I wouldn't have listened to a word she said. Even now, if I don't face some kind of consequences, I go out of control.
If I were a parent, there would be no way I would waste my time arguing, pleading or rationalizing with a three-year-old. When a kid is that young, it's the parent's way or the highway. You can do the rationalizing when the child gets older, but little kids only understand concrete concepts, ie, if I act up, I get a whack on the bum.
Most compelling of all reasons to discontinue this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children . There is an abundance of educational literature, testimonies, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on the topic.
Just a handful of those educating the public about why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Center For Effective Discipline
PsycHealth Ltd, Behavioral Health Professionals
Churches' Network For Non-Violence
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu (supports Global Initiative)
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child
Countries where child buttock-battering is prohibited by law :
Sweden, Finland, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Croatia, Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal Uruguay, Venezuela, Chile, Spain, Costa Rica, Republic of Moldova, and more in progress.
In fact, the US was the only UN member who did not sign the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Leslie Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
For those who argue in favor of child buttock-battering for "difficult" children , why only children? Why not difficult death-row inmates, military officers, citizens, employees, etc? These were all legal once. Why are persons 18 yrs and younger today the only people who can be hit for any reason other than self-defense?
No middle ground, eh?
We must remember that one of the rather large figures of the 1960's "free love" movement was a Dr. Spock. It was his books on parenting that taught mothers in the 50's to give their children what they want, never "punish" (strict punishments) them, teach them that they are unique, and good. However, though this may be kind and great, the world will not uphold these values that are being passed on. Now, I am not saying that parents should begin beating their children for spilling milk. But punishment that does its job (getting the message through) should be present.
No more passive, overly kind parents. Yes, have children feel good, but also allow them to truly grow up.
.is the level of friendship. it's the breach in trust and display of responsibility and consequence.
I'm very good with kids because i respect them as people and they enjoy this. To punish them, i revoke my friendship and it works. i could get kids to behave. i can teach them. i can make them want to learn, want to behave ect.
This is the funniest piece of drivel I have read in this debate. It is clear you do not have children of your own. Please try to have some relevant experience when commenting on issues. Otherwise, you are just bloviating.
i completely agree. even though i don't have kids of my own, i was raised with quite a few spankings under my belt, so to speak. my parents never took it too far, and so i learned that some things were simply not done. there is NO POSSIBLE WAY a child of 5 will understand reason. and for parents who try to be friends with their kids, wait till they're teens . jxzac, how old are those children you mentioned?
oh, and i know many children who aren't ever physically punished because they're adopted. they don't obey. i would know, i babysit them. they've come to realize that i mean business, and they are finally starting to listen to me, however it wasn't easy. and about the 'timeout debate', i was sent to a timeout stair or corner, never my room. i know too many children who are just sent to their rooms, when they have toys in their rooms that they just play with and don't learn anything. they realize that when they do something wrong, they can play in their room. there is no lesson learned. i understand that many people will not take my comments seriously, since i don't have children, but i personally believe that a light swat to the behind will help a child grow. it won't lead to "aggression, fear", etc. so when i'm a parent, i will follow what my parents did and discipline my children. spanking is not abuse, it is discipline. there is a difference. so, as a conclusion, spanking is NOT a bad thing, in MODERATION. i won't hold to spanking a child multiple times just so they say sorry "correctly", but i will make them realize that doing something they know is wrong will lead to discomfort.
The question, as people have said below is whether ANY type of punishment is beneficial (time out is a punishment) or if non-humiliating methods of communication and parenting are better.
Personally I strive for a No-Punishment, No-Rewards type of parenting (ala Alfie Kohn phD, Haim Ginott, Naomi Aldort, Taking Children Seriously, etc.)
Timeouts really no different than Corporal punishment in my book. So it's not a good poll option, at all.
We all click on the link knowing what the controversy is. However while all the experts chosen for this forum have valuable contributions all three chosen agree on the controversial issue. So how is this a debate?
To smack or not to smack that is the question. Yep it can be very nuanced. Someone who supports smacking might believe that positive discipline is better when possible or that corporal punishment should be part of a collection of discipline strategies or that the most important thing is working on giving a suitable environment for the child to mature in so that they will want to behave rather than seeing the actual behaviour as an issue. But at the end of the day surveys consistently show that most people support smacking in its place, different experts have different views, and it is a hot topic. I resent wasting my time with the bait question when it avoids the significant relevant opposing views entirely.
The discussion has spontaneously evolved around the obvious issue but there is no expert debate leading it off as we are entitled to expect.
For the record I am really negative about time outs and believe that they damage the relationship between parent and child. They only work by holding to ransom the natural attachment relationship but weaken it in the process.
I don't use physical punishment OR timeouts. I use positive reinforcement and respect.
Why isn't there another choice?
Yes. Most child development experts would agree with you. The research is on your side. Physical discipline is inefffective. Time-outs can be useful in certain circumstances if used very carefully and not exclusively. Positive reinforcement and respect teach children to respect and value themselves and others -- which is the whole point of discipline.
When I become a parent I will not only use spanking . Most parents don't only use 1 thing. I know these so-called psychology experts say that spanking increases aggression, fear, blah, blah blah. Maybe it's different for me because I'm a man(i doubt it) but I do not like confrontation at all. But if I am forced to be involved in one, I will not cower away. My fear and aggression isn't high and trust me, I got all kinds of physical punishment which may be considered abuse. Belts were mostly used on me(never the buckle). But I've had cordless phones and high heels thrown at me, hit with a broom handle that hollow and made of metal. Either I'm part of an exceptional minority, or the experts are wrong.
I have three wonderful daughters, the youngest is 21 and in her third year of college, just receive a congratulatory letter from the school’s dean for her academic achievements; the second to the oldest, a college graduate, just received the teacher of the year award in her second year of teaching; and the oldest, also a college graduate, she is the team lead of a marketing communication group at a very large corporation. Still early on, but not nearly enough not to savor my parenting success and the feelling of reaping what I have been sawing for the last 28 years.
I believe in corporal punishment as it was the way I raised them. There was never counting “1,2 …”; there was never a threat that wasn’t carried out and there was never a broken promise. There was plenty of expectation and consequence setting at front and delivery of spanking or praising at the end; depending on the outcome. Today I hear from them how glad they are of the way I brought them up.
Children need boundaries and consequences for stepping out of boundaries, early on they need guidance and hand holding until they learn, around middle school, what’s expected of them and they need to know that they are the only ones responsible for their mistakes they make and that they will live the rest of their lives with those mistakes; and all of this must be cemented with corporal punishment. I have taught them that what it does not cost them it is not valued and appreciated.
Every time they step outside the boundaries they knew there was the consequence of corporal punishment, it was never a surprised to them it was part of setting expectations; their success today has proven to me that I was right and corporal punishment is one of the ingredients to their successful future.
You are obviously a loving and successful parent who used a variety of techniques to help your children learn important values, habits, and life lessons. Parents who use only or primarily spanking tend to be far less successful. Spanking was the norm when I was growing up, too, but today many more families are choosing other alternatives. I'm assuming, too, that your spankings were mild ones -- inteded to make a point without really hurting. Unfortunately, some parents lose control and hit hard enough to cause not only physical harm but long-lasting emotional damage. Today we know that harsh and unpredictable discipline can interfere with learning and brain development and can set a child's response system on hair-trigger alert, making it difficult for them to control anger and tantrumming.
The arguments against the use of physical force to punish children for behavioral problems is precisely the same argument against the use of physical force in all human relationships. The value of civilization that most of us claim to hold necessarily precludes physical violence in human relationships. Civilization is a hope of something better than the brutal savageries of the wild. The first step in escaping savagery is to eliminate the default to physical violence and instead default to the use of reason as one's primary method of dealing with the rest of nature, with oneself and with other human beings. Civilization requires an agreement among its members that, in the least, reason will remain the only acceptable method of human being relating with human being. In the interest of civilization, the use of force whether offensively or defensively is always the failure of reason and, thus, a failure of civilization. So too is resorting to physical force in the raising of our children. There is no doubt there will be situations when one must restrain a child from harming themselves and others, however, physical violence is not to be a method of instructions - merely a method of restraint - if one, in fact, values civilization.
If one does not value civilization and reason primarily, one is likely to eat one's own children before one wastes time with beating them into submission.
Civilization is a choice, however, the consequences of rejecting civilization are likely to be beyond your control.
"the use of force whether offensively or defensively is always the failure of reason.."
not true, a pretentious fantasy. if there's a fire and you force the door open to escape, you used force in a reasonable way. I hope that points out your outlandish perspective. i want to mention again how unreasonable your perspective was. how do you reason with the uncivil? civilization used force to protect prosperity. Do not forget that or you are returned to the mud. I believe that is where people are heading. with their arrogance, they shall force their ignorance. that's what's going on today. the most unreasonable people ignorantly and arrogantly contaminate civility. It's the biggest problem we as a people face. These people need mirrors. History books. They need humility.
Are you kidding me? Reason? Reason with a five year old. They don't reason, they only care about themselves. I have 3 younger siblings, not a parent yet. But I know how children are. They do not, I repeat do not reason. I work in a grocery store and have for about 2 years. The children I see that behave the worst are the ones who's parents say they will get a "timeout". If all I got was a timeout for doing something I wanted to do, or miss out on a reward, I'll be bad as hell too. When I was coming up, I was fairly well-behaved(kids will always be kids) and if I did something wrong, I got a spanking . There is a difference between that and abuse. No child should ever run over any adult. Physical.
Strikes me that your collection of experts are all on the same side. If all the experts agree, why are we debating?
Suzanne Venker is old-school punishment under false pretenses of "fixing" parenting. OK to occasionally spank a "difficult" child? Wow, that's wrong on so many levels. Rewards and charts? Gimme a break - they only work until the child realizes they don't care about the reward, and then you've got nothing to motivate them and they never learned internal motivation.
Most of the problems created with children today are from a lack of discipline in the household. Spanking a child is and acceptable and needed form of discipline. I don not think it should be used as a primary form of discipline,however if the behavior will cause the child or someone else harm then spanking should be considered. You say that rewards and charts do not work,yet timeout instead of spanking definately does not work. I have yet to see a child learn anything from timeout.
I grew up knowing that if I misbehaved there would actually be a price to pay. My parents did not abuse me, but I got my butt whipped more than once. And I thank God that they used good judgement but got my attention as to what was acceptable and what was not.
Parents today are so afraid of their children that they let them do anything they want. Sometimes I think the parents need a few whacks more that the children.
If nothing else life teaches you that there rewards and punishment depending on your behavior.
carry this philosophy into adulthood? If your husband or wife does something you don't like, why not give them a good whack? Co-worker screwed up your work? Bring him into your office and smack him or her in the face.
thought process than this dribble. The point is to make men and women know the difference between right and wrong as they reach adulthood. The consequences change when you are an adult and hopefully by fair means. I am surprised at you!!!!!!!
physically punish someone who, as you say, doesn't know the difference, and let the person who SHOULD know the difference off?
The only time I ever swatted one of my kids was to stop them from throwing a tantrum.
a friend of mine's sister's son was this unruly fat little kid. a total jackass. We were together and this kid kept jumping on me wanting to 'play' I ask the mother to control her kid. she wouldn't. She like you people, let the kid do what it wants. "IT" it's not a person. The kid grabbed my arms and jumped arround trying to twist it. This how outrageous the parent was. This kid was still attached to my arm when i lifted my arm, and the kid hurt himself.I had asked him and his mother to stop. the mother thought it was funny. I didn't find it funny at all. when he hurt himself, the mother became very angry at me. I resent that. I believe both the mother and child should be spanked, with a fat lawsuit. My friends kids are all very well behaved and she has 7 kids. They got spanked. The unrully kid, never spanked. I think the parents of those kids need to be spanked. We need laws quickly to hold these parents responsible for their children's actions. nearly the whole country has raised these children incorrectly. We need laws written now because in 10 years, it's going to be very bad. These parents need to be sent to jails.
I believe kids need tough love. Look at how most kids act today, parents nowadays want to be the kids friends. A parent and a child should never be friends. I know what you are saying about that incident with that kid and mother . Kids have no respect fo anyone anymore. There is a fine-line between abuse and tough-love, and all these Child welfare ppl need to distinguish between the two as well. I had a co-worker that almost had to do jail-time cause she grabbed her granddaughters hair and pulled her back b-4 a car hit her. Anyways I'm alll for spankins, or as I call em whoopins, it teaches kids respect and puts a little fear in them. Unlike timeouts- yeah lets send little Amy or Himmy to his room with T.V., Xbox, or a P.C.- that'll teach em some respect
No offense meant, but I have encountered a reverse situation. My sister is not exactly 100% anti- spanking (she keeps trying to tell me I'll change my mind one day), and my brother-in-law has tried to have arguments with me over his belief that using a belt is acceptable. They do spank their kids occasionally - at least he does (jury's still out on my sister, but I imagine she would under certain circumstances). They are more wild than children I have encountered who are never spanked.
Also, in response to your comment "She like you people, let the kid do what it wants." - exactly what do you mean by "you people", anyway? Doesn't sound to me like you're uncommitted at all, and downright hate us. And not everybody who opposes physical disciplinary tactics such as spanking believes in "let kids do what they want". You can have discipline without spanking and you can have spanking without discipline. And it's not exactly like everybody who opposes physical disciipline believes in no discipline at all. Some do, granted, and they are problematic. But in fact, kids who are spanked tend to cause more trouble than kids who aren't. The shooter at Jonesboro, Arkansas was paddled at school the day before the school shooting incident there. Sure stopped him! Also, there's the kid in Arizona who vowed a 1,000 spanking limit, and when his father had spanked him for the 1,000th time, he shot and killed him. So if anybody really thinks that spanking absolutely stops crime, take a good hard look at the facts.
As a kid, I was beaten on (not spanking either, things that would be illegal even in Ohio where I grew up) by a father who was pretty much managed by "TV and spanking", and ridiculed and beaten by bullies who were all spanked besides him. Half of them are in prison today.
So here's a thought. Don't spank. Give the kid enough attention so they won't need to act out, but don't be afraid to be firm when necessary and set non-physical consequences for bad behavior. There are so many things to take away these days that kids don't think they can live without for a few days that spanking is really unnecessary. Perhaps no TV for a few days, or no video games.
By the way, whoever made this ballot, timeouts are not the only non-physical disciplinary measure. Indicating they are only adds to the fire of those who think physical is the only way to go.
And for you Bible-thumpers out there who want to try to claim the Bible says "spare the rod, spoil the child", yes, Solomon said something similar to that in Proverbs 13:24. But he also violated the first, second and seventh commandments in that he worshipped at the temple of Baal, where there were idols of other gods (direct violation of first two commandments), fornication, etc. He also had 300 wives and 700 concubines (direct violation of seventh commandment). I'm agnostic, and don't really care about the Bible, I just find it amusing that people cherry-pick it whenever it seems to tell them whatever they want to hear.
Internal motivation is learned over time, as children get older. When they're very young, rewards are concrete and understandable. As they age, they will develop the concept of internal motivation. You wouldn't use a chart with a 7 or 8-year-old, for example -- but you might with a four or five-year-old.
I wouldn't use a chart at any age, I wouldn't use rewards at any age, and I would never, never spank at any age for any reason. I'd rather work with them as they learn internal motivation over time, using Positive Discipline that respects their developing self. I use my authority as Mom to set boundaries, and see myself as a coach whose job it is to set children up for success.