Tilikum the Killer Whale Speaks About SeaWorld Attack

Hey, America. It's Tilikum the killer whale. Everybody's been asking for a statement about "what happened in the tank" a couple of days ago, so I thought I'd give my perspective here. I've been labeled a "troubled fish" with a "violent past" who may even be a "serial killer." So it's time I stood up -- so to speak -- and defended myself against these accusations.

First, a quick marine biology lesson: I am a giant, fast, fierce sea creature with razor-sharp teeth. Think T-Rex with fins. I am not a cuddly stuffed animal, although that's how I'm strangely depicted in the prison gift shop. Don't you guys watch the Discovery Channel? To review, it's in my nature to pounce and dive and roll and basically thrash delicious sea lions to death -- then eat them. Blood, flesh, bones and all.

Anyway, in my mind, I'm just fast-forwarding past the part in my life when I was taken from the great, expansive ocean home of my childhood by some type of wheeled truck. That sucked. I was really making progress with this one orca...oh, went off on a tangent. Right, focus Tilly. 

So up until "the incident" I spent my days in the water prison eating dead fish and playing around with odd-looking sea lion-like creatures who threw dead fish at me all day. Honestly, I don't really know what they were doing but schools of other weird animals apparently liked to watch me swim around, roll over, eat dead fish and play.

It was irritating after a few days, let alone years, let me tell ya. Lots of people always around my water prison too. Once again, didn't know what they were up to. "TILLY!" they would yell...I'm right here, dude, why are you yelling? Lots of flashes, loud annoying music. You don't have to turn the volume up that loud, I can hear sub-sonic sound waves 427 miles away. But no matter how many times I gave the "Alright, that's enough music and noise makers for one afternoon" routine, there was another school of animals who came to see me.

And these animals always seemed to grab me or put their hands near my blowhole or something that tended to piss me off. Hey, I'm a cool animal, but, I was just sooooo over "ride the Tilly"... And that name. Don't get me started.

Yeah, it would be nice to be free, I'm not gonna lie. But it's not like this is the first time this has happened. Most times we were just playing around. We'd jump up, dive, it was all good. Sometimes, I got kind of ... excited or playful or even annoyed. Have someone on your back all day and see if you stay even keeled.

Maybe some good can come of this...maybe people will realize what we're capable of. Maybe we can be free again. I've heard stories about some boy named William riding another killer whale's back and making a jump like...I don't know...a long freaking way and end up in the ocean somehow. I'm looking right now and I don't see where I could jump to, other than the parking lot. Been reading and see that Bob Barker's got our back..not literally, I mean, you know, he's got our support. Just don't neuter me, Bobby. Um, anyways, I'm going to go over here...which I guess is pretty much right where I am now. Little more water would be nice. Glad I'm not too claustrophobic.

Where's the strange-looking sea lions and their dead fish?