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NFL: 10 Super Bowl Predictions

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As our host in these pages, Brian Burke, has established, there are two things humans love more than anything: lists and predictions (and the Twilight movies, too, turns out, but let's limit our scope to the first two items for right now).

Burke's weekly game probabilities -- themselves lists of predictions -- are wildly popular for this reason.

Always one to ride the coattails of his more talented and well-liked colleagues, I've submitted here a list of ten predictions for tomorrow's (Sunday's) Super Bowl.

Here they are, sans delay.

1. Aaron Rodgers will complete a thousand-yard pass -- to one of heaven's angels.

2. The game will unfold precisely as French apothecary and noted soothsayer Nostradmus foretold -- including the exact EPA totals for each team's offensive players. (Oh, also: Nostradamus discovered EPA, turns out.)

3. James Harrison will not only come up from the bottom of a pile with a human heart, but also with some really important archaeological findings.

4. Approximately 70 or 85 percent of all Super Bowl commercials will address male fertility -- if not directly, then at least obliquely.

5. Approximately 20 percent of all University of Wisconsin undergrads will sustain low-grade, but still permanent, hearing loss while listening to Lil Wayne's "Green and Yellow" at unsafe volumes.

6. Most patrons and all employees of Pittsburgh's Andy Warhol Museum will conduct their lives as usual.

7. During halftime, Aaron Rodgers will not only adopt every puppy at the Dallas County Humane Society, but also give them all adorable names like Charlie Bucket and Emperor Tomato Ketchup.

8. Aaron Rodgers' collected snap counts will be adopted as the libretto for composer John Adams' next opera.

9. Even people who aren't watching the Super Bowl will actually still be watching the Super Bowl. (Note: this is a real Zen koan, no joke.)

10. The Grinch's heart will grow three sizes that day -- less as a result of goodwill towards man and more from an abundance of lipids.

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