Sports

Wimbledon 2012: A Look at John Isner, Andy Roddick and Other Terrible American Tennis Players

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It’s almost harder for the United States to not produce a top tennis player then it is to legitimately have nobody who can even come close to contending at a Grand Slam event. Holy cow are these guys bad. Maybe we should become a communist regime, because Serbia has the top tennis player in the world and another ranked eighth. Here in America, where we have 300 million people compared to 7.5 million in Serbia, we don’t have a guy ranked higher than 10th.

And it’s not like Serbia isn’t busy. They vehemently hate Muslims, even more so than people do in America, and inexplicably dispelling that much hate is a full time job. But somehow they can still pump put tennis players while we continue to pump out  guys like John Isner, who couldn’t beat Novak Djokovic if Djokovic had to play with his dick instead of a racket.

That’s our top-ranked player – John Isner. How sad is that? He’s 10th in the world, Mardy Fish is 11th and Andy Roddick is 25th. So out of the best 25 players in the world, the Home of the Brave has only three players? None of them are still alive in the quarterfinals at Wimbledon and in fact, Isner – our very best player – lost in the first round to an unseeded guy named Alejandro Falla, from Colombia. I don’t even have a joke for that one.

Roddick, the great white American hope who really should be more famous for somehow wrangling Brooklyn Decker than playing tennis, lost in the third round to the great David Ferrer after Roddick won the first set. Nice. Here are a few guys who are ranked ahead of Roddick in the world – stop when me when you’ve heard of one of them: Juan Monaco, Kei Nishikori, Alexandr Dolopolov, Milos Raonic, Stanislas Wawrinka, Feliciano Lopez. What a list. Here are some fun facts about them: Dolopolov peddles guns for the Russian mafia, and Raonic is from the great nation of Canada. You know what else? They’re better than the best American tennis player of the last decade.

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But at Wimbledon, Fish actually made it the farthest of any American, advancing all the way to the fourth round (!) before losing to Jo-Wilfried Tsonga….who is from France. If that doesn’t make you want to shoot a couple of Roman candles right into your own eyes, then you my friend are not a true American.

Is tennis just the world’s way of getting back at America? Is the Boston Tea Party still rubbing people the wrong way? I have no explanation. Americans have been good in the past – Connors, Sampras, Agassi – but now they’re all just a bunch of underachieving nobodies who would be lucky to get a set from Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer or Andy Murray.

Then again, U.S. hero Joey Chestnut is the top-ranked competitive eater in the world, and he’s the favorite over Kobayashi at today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest, so we’ve got that. Actually, putting two-and-two together, is there some sort of parallel between the fact that we are the best competitive eating nation in the world but the worst tennis nation? Hm. At least we have our priorities straight. Plus, Joey Chestnut is actually kind of cool. Novak Djokovic looks like someone who would reach down my pants in an airport bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth after a long flight.

USA! USA!

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