Michael Phelps vs. Ryan Lochte: Nobody Cares About this Dumb Rivalry

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What the hell is the deal with these two? Why is being shoved down my throat as if I’m supposed to know who Ryan Lochte is, and why is there a rivalry between the two when Phelps won every gold medal at the last Olympics?

And why are we all suddenly big-time fans of swimming?

So many questions. All I know is that this seems like something that the media made up and told us that we should be interested, and people seem to be eating it up. Be honest – before two weeks ago, you had never even heard the name “Ryan Lochte,” and you knew Michael Phelps as “that weird vampire-looking kid who got caught smoking a bong and puts Avocado on his Subway sandwiches.”

Never, in the a million years, did you know that some strange, homo-erotic rivalry existed between these two men. But every day on Sportscenter and on web sites everywhere, we’re told about how “they hate each other now,” and “they’re putting their friendship aside,” and “when they get in the pool, all bets are off.”

When were all bets on? WHO IS RYAN LOCHTE? Are there people in the real world who actually follow swimming, making me in the minority here, or is it just kind of a dead time for sports so people are trying to create things to fill the void? If Ryan Lochte walked into my apartment and asked me for a cup of sugar I wouldn’t think twice about turning him down because I don’t know what he looks like – so I would know that he’s not my neighbor. I know my neighbors.

You know what? I’m rooting for freaking Russia in the swimming events. I’m boycotting both of these people, even though I’m not even sure if Ryan Lochte exists or if he’s just some person people made up to create drama. I would rather a former Communist nation that waged a Cold War on us and nearly nuked our shores to win the swimming events at the Olympics than the two men who are supposedly the saving grace for America.

That’s how unbelievably unlikable this whole thing is. From now on when people say to me, “Who you got? Lochte or Phelps?” I’m going to stare them directly in the eye and say, deadpanned, “Russia,” and then kick them in the freaking shins. That’s who “I got.”

I hope Lochte and Phelps collide in the pool and drown while some Russian guy screams at them from the edge of the pool and the entire audience looks on in horror. Then Sportscenter will have to find somebody new to have its “Sunday Conversation” with.

In fact, I’m rooting for Russia throughout these entire Olympics. I’m going to dress like Stalin, tattoo the hammer and sickle into my chest, drink vodka, become a Brooklyn Nets fan  and start a communism club in the United States.

Forget you Ryan Lochte. Forget you Michael Phelps. I’m going red.

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