It’s that time of year, and with everyone’s Christmas lists being fulfilled (or not so much), there’s no reason NFL stars shouldn’t have the same fortune. I recently spoke with Santa and he granted me access to some top-secret letters, some of which came from players on NFC North teams.
After corresponding with Santa, I was surprised to learn that Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has written hundreds of letters to the North Pole. Here is a sample that I was given from November of this year:
I play football and I was really hoping that you could help bring some Christmas cheer to my team, the Minnesota Vikings. And by Christmas Cheer I mean a functional NFL quarterback. Last week I rushed for 182 yards, pretty impressive, huh? It was even against one of the league’s best run defenses, the Seattle Seahawks. And what kind of help did I receive for my awesome performance? 63 passing yards from Christian Ponder. No, Santa, that is not a misprint, our quarterback’s total for the game was 63 passing yards.
I guess you didn’t get my letter last year asking for my team to trade up and get Andrew Luck, and the Vikings front office seem to be unaware of the fact that a quarterback who routinely fails to eclipse 100 yards passing is not acceptable for an NFL franchise that actually wants to succeed. Another 63-yard day may not change their minds, so for Christmas could you please give Christian Ponder a new right arm?
I’m not entirely sure it would fix the horrible decisions and terrible pocket presence, but I don’t know what else to ask for. I’m on pace for a 2000 yard season but it’s not going to mean jack if my quarterback can’t complete a basic slant to a receiver. Sorry, Santa, not trying to lose my temper but I’m pretty tired of single-handedly keeping us in playoff contention with zero help. This guy just married a smokin’ hot ESPN reporter so I know I’m pushing it asking for more, but I could really use the help.
Understandable. I was also given access to a letter from Detroit receiver Calvin Johnson, which has some disturbing details that may upset Lions fans.
Get me out of here. My bad, my bad, I know I should have listened to everyone who told me not to sign that 7 year, $132 million extension with the Lions. I should have known better, I know. I let one playoff season make me forget how pathetic this team is. The signs were there last year when we slipped after the 5-0 start but I just didn’t want to believe it. I don’t know if you like football, Santa, but for the sake of your sanity I hope you’re not a Detroit Lions fan. We tied an NFL record by losing three games in a row where we lead by at least 10 points. I honestly wish we were just worse so it would be easier to understand, but we have the league’s top passing offense, Santa! And guess who has been carrying us through games only to have our hearts ripped out of our chests at the end?
Santa, with one game left I’ve already set the league record for receiving yards in a season and this stupid team still finds a way to lose every game. Did you see our moron coach help us lose the Thanksgiving game by throwing that challenge flag? Coming from a guy who strongly emphasizes knowing the rules. Did you see us blow two leads against the Packers, or give up 14 points in the last 2:39 to the Colts? Just remembering these games makes me want to throw up. All I want for Christmas is a time machine so I can go back to last summer and tell our General Manager to suck it when he offered me that extension. I broke the record for this sad team, can you imagine what I would do with Tom Brady or Peyton Manning throwing me the ball?!I was going to ask you to make the Lions better but then I decided I’d ask for something more realistic like a time machine.
P.S.- If you talk to Adrian Peterson tell him I understand his pain and sorrow
Ouch. Don’t worry, Lions fans, time travel technology is not likely to be discovered within the next 6 seasons. But if it is…