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Sports

Seriously, Why is Maurice Jones-Drew Naked and Covered in Blue Stuff? (Video)

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I am officially freaked out. Maurice Jones-Drew seems way too comfortable getting completely naked and spiking a football into a pile of blue powder in front of a photographer.

What a little bowling ball this guy is. And by “little” I mean “enormous and frightening and in possession of the biggest thighs in the Western world.” Imagine trying to body slam him? It would be like trying to lift a blue whale’s you-know-what, and I mean that with all due respect.

He’s apparently more comfortable with the nude powder-spiking then he is with reporting to his job, as MJD has decided to not show up for training camp because he’s unhappy with his deal, which has two years and $9 million left on it.

It makes sense. He was the NFL’s leading rusher last year, and the Jags can’t throw the ball because they decided to throw away their chance at competing in a passing-oriented league by drafting Blaine Gabbert and throwing piles of money at him, while still allowing him to keep his hair. That means they need MJD in order to have an offense that is even semi-functional, so they’ll eventually have to show him the love.

In the meantime, he’ll keep taking out his 40-inch thighs in front of a group of people and covering himself in a pile of suspicious blue powder while strange men snap pictures of his butt.

What is that blue substance anyway? It looks like cocaine for smurfs, or Sully’s semen – from Monster’s, Inc. (Yes, I imagine Sully’s orgasms are blue, dust-filled explosions).

Anyway, he’ll also have the have time to justify his lack of clothing with quotes like this:

“My three kids, they bust open the door when I’m using the bathroom. It’s crazy, but you kind of get comfortable with that.”

Translation: “My three small children see me while I’m dropping heat all the time, so why shouldn’t I take all my clothes off and throw footballs into mounds of blue dust? Maybe I’ll take a dump in it too, if you’re not careful.”

I think that blue cocaine is on the banned substance list…

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