Dear Replacement Refs,
That didn’t go quite as planned, huh, guys? I mean how am I supposed to hold any leverage in negotiations when you’re making calls so bad that the talking puppets on ESPN actually spoke out against something that didn’t involve the lack of playing time Tim Tebow has been getting?
We almost had them fooled. After the first week I heard a whole lot of “Hey, they weren’t THAT bad” or “As long as they don’t make any calls that directly influence the outcome of a game we can deal with it.” But Jesus Christ you idiots tried your hardest. Giving out extra timeouts and s***ting down your leg every time you had to announce to the crowd what the call was. And that was if you actually knew what the call was, or the correct way to stand and face the crowd.
I guess maybe I should have expected this when I hired a bunch of scabs. Refs that were so bad the only work they could find was 7 on 7 high school games. Didn’t a couple of you get fired from the Lingerie Football League? Like what the hell, guys? I didn’t even know that was possible. The only excuse for that would be if you were sexually harassing the players during the game. You know, a little “Hey baby… you know what you’ve gotta do for the first down.” Stuff along those lines I could at least wrap my mind around, but getting fired for incompetence at that level is just mind blowing.
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Still, I didn’t think there was any way you could mess up this badly. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lie about player safety after the fiasco that this past slate of games? I sure as hell do, because I had to do it today. As you all know, I’m one of the biggest scumbags going. But even I have my limits, and covering for you idiots was really starting to take its toll on whatever semblance of a moral code I still have.
People have been asking me, “Big Rog, why would it take so long for negotiations to conclude when the money you were fighting over was chump change in the grand scheme of the juggernaut cash cow that the NFL has become?” You know what I tell them?
It’s not easy running a totalitarian dictatorship the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Nazi Germany.
Seriously, it’s not easy. I’d like to see any of you jump through as many hoops as I do on a daily basis to make sure that I am completely autonomous. Just ask Jonathan Vilma. He tried to step to me, and even got a judge to back him and his little merry band of bounty hunters. Guess what though? Jonathan hasn’t set foot on the field yet – and he won’t – because I have so many little rules at my disposal that fall under the “safety of the game” parameters that if I wanted to I could keep that loud mouth off the field for the rest of his natural born life.
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But I won’t do that. Underneath this greasy scumbag exterior, I’m just a guy who loves the game of football. You know how in Madden they have “Career Mode” where you can be either a player or coach, and help develop your character and watch them grow until their career is over? Well imagine if they had “Emperor Mode”, because that’s what my life is like.
Actually, I can explain a lot of my actions as commissioner through Madden. All of my player safety rules and the countless fines I dole out for big hits – I’m just doing my best to turn injuries “off.” Who wants to watch Shaun Hill throw the ball to Calvin Johnson? Not this supreme ruler.
My only hope of saving any face in this situation is if the refs come out this weekend and nail it. So I’ve got Hochuli on so many testosterone boosters and HGH that I’m a little worried his head might explode. Also, each ref will be given a script for 60mg of Adderal a day. Too much? I say not enough. I can’t stress enough how much this needs to go off without a hitch after the clusterf**k you scabs created. Trust me, I’m not going to take any of the blame for this. That’s not my bag, baby.
I guess the only thing I could really thank you guys for was showing up. Of course once you did show up you yelled at players to perform better because they were on your fantasy team, didn’t understand the rule book, got bullied in to calls by coaches and players, tried to take out receivers with your hat, openly rooted – and worked – for teams you were supposed to be reffing for and brought an overall stench of unprofessionalism that won’t be washed off any time soon if the Packers find themselves fighting for a playoff berth down the stretch.
I’m just happy this whole mess is over and we can all finally move on. As the commissioner I need to focus on more important things. Like the fact that James Harrison might be returning after the Steelers bye week and he hasn’t been fined all year.
Peace out, kids.