Does Anyone Actually Want to See the Miami Dolphins on HBO's Hard Knocks?

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The Miami Dolphins are going to be on HBO's Hard Knocks?

This may have been the most underwhelming news I’ve ever heard. Seriously. For a show that has thrived off of controversial figures and drama, this is the single worst team that could have been chosen.

I know it wasn’t HBO’s first choice – apparently a bunch of teams turned it down – so it’s hard to blame them. But the Dolphins are supposed to hold my attention? Good God.

Is there anything compelling about that team? They’re not good, they haven’t been good in years and they’re not going to be good this season. They got rid of Tony Sparano, who at least would have been entertaining because he’s a fat man who wears dark sunglasses at all time like he’s blind. Instead, now the Dolphins are coached by Joe Philbin, who looks like he’s about as much fun as a bag of wet mice. I guess it’ll be funny when someone figures out that his natural nickname is “Regis,” opening up the door for a lineman to turn to him and say “Is that your final answer?”  every time Philbin gives directions, but other then that, Joe Philbin isn’t going to be the best fit to entertain  me on Sunday nights.

The show is built around compelling characters. The Jets were perfect, because Antonio Cromartie had 50 kids, Rex Ryan was ruthlessly entertaining, the Darrelle Revis contract saga was ongoing and Bart Scott routinely acted like he wanted to eat someone’s face in Miami. The Dolphins? Who the hell is going to carry the show?

Let’s see, Brandon Marshall sounds pretty good, except that they traded him in the off-season. He would have been perfect – screaming at everybody, refusing to play, making one-handed catches, jumping in and out of his various personalities – but now he’s gone. That leaves us with…uh…Davone Bess? Look at their roster. I’ve only heard of like three of these guys. Who the fuck is Julius Pruitt? Who is Kevyn Scott? Are these players made up?

But wait! At least there is a riveting quarterback battle. Haven’t you been DYING to know which player out of the group of Matt Moore, David Garrard and Ryan Tannehill is going to start? I certainly have. Talk about drama, the whole season is in the balance. If Philbin and his staff can somehow select the right guy for the job, their team might win four games this upcoming season instead of three! Holy shit.!

They should just cancel the season. I’m going to watch the first episode, then most likely break my television because HBO is trying to pretend that David Garrard’s career is somehow still worth following, even though he can’t throw, he’s fat and he’ll probably be cut in favor of a rookie and a journeyman. Ohh baby.

Haven’t you always wondered what it’s like to be in Training Camp for a bottom-feeding franchise with no real hope for the future other then a quarterback they reached for because they were too scared to continue to go to war with Matt Moore? I certainly have. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to watch Steve Slaton try to come back from injuries, or whether or not Jake Long is as boring in person as he looks in every interview he gives. Maybe Dan Carpenter can boot some 60-yard field goals for the fans! Now that would be a real treat.

Here’s a heads up: The Dolphins are probably going to finish in last in the AFC East, and they have nobody who’s the least bit controversial on their roster. I’d rather get scalped than watch this show. If Philbin tells everybody that they need to go get a Gosh Darn snack, I’m going to throw the remote at the wall and sue HBO. The best part about the show, hopefully, will be gratuitous shots of Tannehill’s wife. That’s the only possible thing that could make this season of Hard Knocks worth tuning in to. That, and if it turns out that Davone Bess also has multiple personality disorder. Or Maybe Cameron Wake will try to eat someone’s face.

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