Sports

Titans, Colts, Texans, Jaguars: The 10 Ugliest Players in the AFC South

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The intimidation factor is key in the NFL. Your size, your muscles and even your smell can make an opponent freeze just long enough to win the battle in the neutral zone trenches, or make a wide receiver alligator arm a catch over the middle.

One trait that may be overlooked that certainly adds to a player’s mystique is their moneymaker. A man’s face can definitely add to their intimidation. Heck, it may even make them seem inhuman. Jack Lambert’s iconic Sports Illustrated cover made him look like he was raised by wolves. Today the NFL isn’t short on ugly mugs, and players of the AFC South are no exception.

Keyunta Dawson DE Titans: If I were a tackle lining up opposite of Keyunta Dawson, I’d be hoping that the rest of the velociraptors were busy feeding on a triceratops somewhere else. Even when he’s smiling he looks like he’s angry, what I call “Keyon Dooling Syndrome,” and though he is blessed with pass rushing abilities, I may cross the street early if I saw him walking towards me.  His WAG is a dime though.

Wife

Seth Olson G Colts: Olsen is corn fed, and greatly represents a cross between the scarecrows in his hometown fields and the birds it’s meant to keep away. Staring down a 300-pound guard with Olsen’s face I may just run downfield instead of toward the quarterback.

Andre Johnson WR Texans: The Natural may have a seemingly innate skill set, but he definitely wasn’t born with natural beauty. He’s been blessed with feet that speed him to a 4.41 forty, and a face that resembles them. 

Jeris Pendleton DT Jaguars: Man’s got a huge head. I mean HUGE. Since most helmets are basically the same size, I wonder how much room they had for padding in his. On top of that it’s not a larger billboard for a pretty face, more like a warning sign.

Quintin Demps DB Texans: When I see a picture of this man’s face, I just want to bust out my magnetic pen and move his mustache to his eyebrows and beard like Wooly Willy.

Chris Johnson RB Titans: Good thing you always see him as a blur. His locks, thin mustache, and grill only add to the train wreck. You should have to put more than just a little blood on your face to be a zombie for Halloween.

Mike McGlynn  C Colts: Where does this man’s neck end and face begin? Actually where does his nose end, or brow for that matter. I think his body skipped the DNA instructions and just tried to put him together like some IKEA furniture. Andrew Luck is fortunate (no pun intended) to always be behind McGlynn.

Chris Harris S Jaguars:  If I dropped my kids off at daycare and I was greeted by Chris Harris, it would turn into a “Take your son or daughter to work day.” Harris is scary-looking and I’m sure that helps with his stigma if he manages to lay some lumber on a receiver over the middle.  His career may be fizzling from the 2007 season where he forced 8 fumbles for the Panthers, but his ugly mug is making up for the step he is missing as he scares the ball right out of a wide outs hands.

Ben Jones C Texans: Jones is the exact opposite of intimidating. I’m sure he eats many more pancakes then he has pancake blocks. He looks more like the guy you’d have put a new screen on your iPhone then someone who posted 29 reps at a 225lb bench-press at the combine. Nevertheless, this Georgia boy isn’t going to be posing for GQ anytime soon, and even with his NFL paycheck I’m sure he has trouble with the ladies. I’m sure in high school he was flagged for illegal use of the hands in the “Friend Zone.”

Dave Ball DE Titans: Ball looks like he’s one of the reasons that the hills have eyes. Locked up with him pass blocking, I wouldn’t get too close to his mouth for fear of having part of my face bit off. The baby blue uniform takes away from his threatening aura, but in the rare case that he sees the field, I’m sure that lineman aren’t happy to have to get up-close and personal.

*Honorable Mention: Schaub, HasselbeckMatt Hasselbeck QB Titans: At the QB position, the league features such pretty boy faces as Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez, and Timmy Tebow. Looking like Dan Aykroyd from Coneheads lands Matt on the honorable mention list. Again, WAG is hot though albeit a little nutty.

Matt Schaub QB Texans: Though missing part of your ear is half cool and half ugly, Schaub didn’t exactly maim a masterpiece. With Schaub under center Ben Jones (who made the list) all it would take is a change of wardrobe to some overalls for us to be fleeing the two in a scene from Deliverance where they plan on making us “squeal like a piggy.”

You may as well make the best of what you’ve got. If your face can get an opponent wondering what planet you are from long enough for you to put them on their back, then I’d say you’re making lemonade with the lemons life has handed you.

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