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Sports

Tim Tebow and Kim Kardashian Could (But Won’t) Restore Sanctity of Marriage

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America’s sweetheart and media darling Kim Kardashian has something of a crush on God Whisperer and part-time Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow. In fact, according to respectable political news site Celebitchy, equally respectable scientific journal The National Enquirer will soon release a story detailing how “dating someone like Tebow is just what Kardashian needs to rehab her image.”

As per The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy):

Kim Kardashian hopes to hitch her falling star to America’s hottest athlete, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow — but he doesn’t want anything to do with her!

Sources say that Kim has been telling pals she wants to land a date with the devout Christian football sensation, who made national headlines for miraculously leading his mediocre team to the NFL playoffs.

“Kim has a big crush on Tim,” a friend confided. “She says he’s not only very handsome but seems like a guy with really strong values.”

But it’s more than just infatuation for Kim, 31. Even though she has her own money, pals claim she’s also seeing dollar signs in the 24-year-old hunk! The once red-hot reality star’s popularity has tanked recently, particularly after her sudden separation from pro basketball player Kris Humphries after just 72 days of marriage.

Since then, ratings for her flagship reality show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” are down 14 percent. The buxom brunette has also lost endorsement deals, and her paid public appearances, which have netted up to $600,000 apiece, are dropping off at a rapid pace.

“Kim needs to rehab her image to get her career revved up again,” explained another source. “Dating someone like Tim Tebow would certainly do the trick.”

I’m not sure why Kim needs her image rehabbed (she’s aces in my book), but that’s not the part of the story that intrigues me most. What intrigues me more than anything, really, is what a loving, happy family these two could have. After all, Kim is just a traditional, soft-spoken Armenian girl looking for a good man that she could have a quiet life with. She’d stay at home and bake cookies, and he’d go off to work every single day and perfect the art of missing shockingly open wide receivers by a mile. In the evening they’d get together in front of the fireplace -- with their two point one kids -- and sing sweet Christian music. Kim has a great voice, in case you haven't heard.

It could all be really beautiful.

Unfortunately, it’ll also never happen. According to that same story, Tebow isn’t interested in the amazing future I’ve laid out for the pair.

But even her family is telling her not to hold her breath.

“Tim’s been made aware of Kim’s crush, and although flattered, he’s not interested,” said a source.

“He’s an avowed virgin who’s saving himself for marriage and is looking for a woman with similar values, not someone with two failed marriages AND a sex tape in her past!”

I really don’t see what Tebow’s beef is. So he’s a virgin, big whoop. So is Kim, I think. And even if she isn’t, couldn’t he just make her one again by touching her on the head or something? (I’m pretty sure he once tried to heal an injured player by touching his head.)

Whatever, man. They’d be a perfect couple and obviously restore the sanctity of marriage, but if they’re not up to the task then I certainly won’t be shedding any more tears about it. I mean any tears. I won’t be sharing any tears about it.

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