Sports

Are You Ready for Endless 2013 Super Bowl Coverage?

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As we’ve learned from Golden Corral, Double Stuf Oreos, and Chris Johnson’s perfectly moderate automobile, everything is better in excess. Why have a little Super Bowl coverage when you could have a lot?

For those of you who are eagerly awaiting hours and hours of nonstop Super Bowl coverage, you are in luck! For those of you who will take human lives to avoid hearing one more question about Jack Harbaugh’s favorite son, well, you could always move to Canada.

The Super Bowl has become a penis-measuring contest of sorts for sports networks looking to establish themselves as the dominant force in sports media. Every network is looking to out due the other and we, the general public, are the lucky recipients of this competitive tradition.

During Super Bowl Week, NBC Sports Network will provide 24 hours’ worth of original programming from the big game in New Orleans. The relatively new channel is looking to get a foothold in the incredibly lucrative football market, but they’re going to have to do better than 24 measly hours to truly compete with the big boys. Twenty four hours? And spare me the details of Ray Lewis’s game day breakfast tradition? I don’t think so.

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 If you want to start with an almost­ respectable amount of coverage, the even-newer CBS Sports Network is pumping out 50 hours of Super Bowl programming. I know, I know, it’s still a pathetically incompetent amount of coverage, but they need to start somewhere, right?

Here we go, now it’s time to talk about real Super Bowl Coverage. Our great friends at ESPN can always be counted on when there is no such thing as enough, and they have raised the bar this year by providing 120 hours of original television and radio coverage from New Orleans. They’ve also brought the tape measure to the measuring party in the newest form of determining which network’s Super Bowl Coverage reigns supreme: Super Bowl rings.

ESPN’s team of 35 personalities who will appear on-air covering the big game boast an impressive 18 Super Bowl Rings between them. NFL Network, while providing an unparalleled 140 hours of original programming from New Orleans, can only muster a lackluster 17 Super Bowl Rings between their on-air talent. And we’re supposed to believe in the credibility of their analysis? How can we believe anything coming from 17-time Super Bowl champions when a few channels away, an excellent 18-Super Bowl Champion panel can provide clearly superior programming?

There are approximately 150 hours between now and the Super Bowl, and with so little time we need to allocate our preview-watching wisely. No one wants to be misinformed, and even worse, no one wants to be under-informed. Thanks to the good folks at ESPN and NFL Network, we don’t have to miss a single storyline, so sit back and enjoy hours and hours and hours and hours of thoughtful analysis.