After two weeks of nonstop storylines and never-ending drama, the big game is finally here. With so much media attention focused on every single marketable narrative, my expectations are immeasurably high. I don’t just want the common Super Bowl storylines to be concluded; I want them to explode in a fashion that justifies the two weeks of unrelenting news coverage.
I expect no less than all of the following events to take place:
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- Chris Culliver will come out. When the final whistle sounds, Chris Culliver, the San Francisco defensive back who set off a firestorm with his harsh critique of homosexuals, will be overcome by emotion and confess to his sexuality. Thousands of heads will explode.
- Jack Harbaugh will disown the Super Bowl loser as his son. Despite weeks of proclaiming his neutrality, the Harbaugh patriarch will call a press conference after the game to announce he has made a decision. “Us Harbaughs don’t take kindly to losing—if my son wants to cherish the priceless bonds of family, he better learn how to teach his players to cover the quick slant.”
- At least one football fan will die—the first known nacho-related fatality. I’ve read numerous news articles detailing the dangers of the Super Bowl, and weeks of calorie warnings will culminate in the unfortunate death of one grease-infused football fan. The perilous danger to our society known as Nachos will strike in vindictive manner, and the Super Bowl will begin the tortilla chip abolitionist movement.
- Alex Smith will decapitate Colin Kaepernick with a samurai sword. We all thought Alex Smith handled Super Bowl week with the utmost grace and humility—a little too much if you ask me. As the media swarms to congratulate Kaepernick on a well-played contest, Alex Smith will reach his breaking point. The incident will compel President Obama to propose samurai sword restrictions, and a national debate will ensue.
- Ray Lewis will begin to display visible signs of antler-growth. All of Ray’s denials of using antler extract sound genuine and heartfelt—but they won’t do much good when he looks like a deer in headlights. Pun intended. When CBS uses their refined technology to determine whether or not Frank Gore’s knee was down, the close-up will reveal the slightest hint of an antler from Ray Lewis’s earhole. The Ravens will ultimately be punished by forfeiture of all games played with Ray Lewis, and he will shortly thereafter appear on Oprah with a full-grown head-rack. America will forgive him.