When I go to the supermarket, I tend to buy a lot of things that say “Bold and Spicy” on them. Steak sauce, Bloody Mary mix – you name it. If it says the two magic words I’m probably taking it home and letting it sit in my refrigerator for a couple of weeks before throwing it out after one use.
But my dining habits aside, the reason I bring up my passion for all things “Bold and Spicy” is because I’m giving you a window into my soul. That’s right. I’m giving you a glimpse that few others have ever seen, and few will ever know. I want you to realize just how bold a man I can be, and also how spicy. My penchant for B & S (which is decidedly different then S & M) spills down into the rest of my life. Just ask my friends.
If they were told to describe me in two words, the most common two would undoubtedly be “heroine addict.” But the next two would be “bold, spicy.” That’s why I’m ready and willing to provide a few Bold and Spicy predictions for this soon-to-be-underway NFL season.
I reserve the right to throw these predictions out after one use.
1. Kevlar won’t protect Michael Vick’s knees and ankles, causing him to miss roughly half the season.
2. Maurice Jones-Drew will get hurt in the early season and be hampered by that injury for the rest of the way. Then, he’ll be cut in the offseason because the shelf life for semi-fat bowling balls who hold out one year after signing an extension is low. You can’t expect to miss all of training camp and then be the same player.
3. Russell Wilson will be better than RG3 and Andrew Luck, stats-wise, this season. Wilson has Marshawn Lynch to take some of the pressure off. RG3 has an overbearing coach with big eyes who will pull him if he struggles, while Luck has the worst supporting cast in the NFL. Advantage: Wilson.
4. Ryan Tannehill will not care if he’s good, bad or somewhere in between because he gets to go home to Mrs. Tannehill.
5. Randy Moss will finish with under 30 catches and under four touchdowns. He will, however, lead the league in screaming at the dining staff in the locker room, calling people ya’ll and being the only black guy watching NASCAR.
6. My new favorite NFL referee – replacement or not – will be Don King. He’s screwed up more calls this preseason then any ref I’ve ever laid eyes on, but he gets a free pass because of his name.
7. Speaking of the replacement refs, I think they’ll be fine. Seriously. I assume that the NFL will cut a deal with the real refs at some point, but in the meantime I don’t think the world is going to blow up because the refs aren’t all that experienced. There’s enough replay in the game now to get the calls right most of the time. If the games happen to go from three hours to three hours and 10 minutes, we’ll live.
8. And speaking of being fine, the Saints will be fine. I don’ t think they’ll win 13 games or something, but I have no problem seeing them going 11-5. The offense is too good in this offense-driven league to not win its fair share of games.
9. Adrian Peterson will rush for 1,200 yards, but won’t ever strike the fear of God into defenses like he has in the past. He’ll miss two games, and fat Toby Gerhart will capture the hearts of big women everywhere while racking up 100-yard games.
10. Cam Newton will take a step back, will struggle as a passer and the Panthers will win five games. Everyone will forget about Cam’s “big smile” and remember that he…well…he’s kind of been a scumbag for a while. He’s a laptop thief who only went to Auburn because they paid his father. I mean…come on now…
11. Jonathan Dwyer will take over as the lead back in Pittsburgh, causing everyone to wonder how he went under the radar after a great college career at Georgia Tech and all the tools to succeed in the NFL.
12. Brandon Lloyd will be very average for the Patriots. He won’t have over 1,000 yards, and he won’t reach double-digit touchdowns. Too many weapons in that offense. If Lloyd gets 1,000 yards, what happens to Gronk, Hernandez and Welker? It’s not feasible for all of them to put up monster stats, and Lloyd’s lack of chemistry with Brady during the preseason is enough to make him the odd man out.
13. The Dolphins will not win a single football game, and Joe Philbin will immediately be fired and replaced with a coach who doesn’t come across as a beta male in a nationally televised show.
14. Mark Sanchez will throw five interceptions in one of the first four games, causing Rex Ryan to bench him for a half. Unfortunately for the Jets, Tim Tebow will enter the game and not complete a single pass, causing the Jets to call Chad Pennington’s agent. The Jets will still somehow go 9-7.
15. Philip Rivers will become the next guy to join the 5,000 yard club, as passing numbers will continue to increase around the league. With a healthy Antonio Gates as his prime target, Rivers won’t suck like he did last year. The Chargers will win 12-13 games, and lose in the divisional playoffs after getting a first-round bye – like they do every time they’re any good.
16. Matt Schaub will give the Texans T.J. Yates flashbacks for most of the year, and the vaunted Texans will underachieve and barely sneak into the playoffs.
17. The 49ers will badly underachieve, too, as Alex Smith will turn back into Alex Smith, and Jim Harbaugh will pop a vein in his neck and he screams at Michael Crabtree to follow the playbook and stop playing hop scotch along the right hash mark.
18. Ben Roethlisberger will attempt to rape Isaac Redman.
19. Julio Jones will take the reigns as the No. 1 receiver in Atlanta, and Roddy White won’t care because he’ll still rack up 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan will have his best year as a pro, Fat Michael Turner will take a huge step back and Jacquizz Rodgers will become a household name, which is exactly what Mrs. Rodgers wanted when she named her boy Jacquizz.
20. The Patriots will go 12-4 and get a first round bye.
21. The Ravens will win the AFC.
22. The Packers will win the NFC.
23. The Packers will win the Super Bowl after Joe Flacco throws three picks, all while not under pressure at all. John Harbaugh will then pop a vein in his neck as he screams at Flacco to stop acting like a little girl and more like an NFL quarterback.
24. Jordy Nelson will be MVP of the Super Bowl, then will sign a massive contract to play tight end somewhere in the offseason.
25. I will be correct on 10 of these picks, and that will be enough to make me feel like a prophet.