We've got one month to kill before college football comes back into our lives, and since I am known as a helpful and informative person (probably not true), I'm gonna offer you thorough reviews of each SEC stadium. And by thorough review, I mean I'll be using my exceptional bias, Google reviews, and lots of colored lines hand drawn on Google maps.
My qualifications for such an endeavor are that I've been to all the SEC stadiums but Missourah's, usually to witness a skull-dragging of Ole Miss, and I can look up stuff on Google Maps pretty quickly. I suggest that you file these informative reports away for your road trip destinations this season so you won't end up like that pair of Oklahoma State fans I saw walking around a couple of miles away from the old Cotton Bowl, waiting to be murdered.
To keep you from becoming disoriented, you need to know where things are in relation to the stadium. Once you master the lay of the land, you can maximize your time engaging in various pre-game activities and, most importantly, avoid asking LSU fans questions because you don't want to be OH SO CLEVERLY TOLD that you're Tiger Bait for the 84,284th time in the last hour.
This guide should help you move seamlessly around the stadium.
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When I saw James Carville, I did at least a quadruple take, with two of the takes directly attributable to that person looking like an alien, and the last two were my brain realizing the man at which I was gawking was James Carville. My only regret is that I did not yell out "Jimmy" and then give some sort of bossman acknowledgement wave. Alas.
One of the keys to remember when you visit LSU is that alcohol is literally everywhere. No need for hiding it or putting it in cups, unless that's your thing, and if you're from Ohio State, carrying around your 18-pack of Bud Light still in the cardboard will not attract the attention of authorities. Mostly because there are none around. As long as you don't act oh who am I kidding, you have to be MEGA MEGA MEGA D-R-U-N-K to catch the attention of someone with arresting power.
Once you've finished your pre-game festivities and make your way to the stadium, it's important to know where to look for things. With that in mind, here's an in-stadium guide.
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One of the things I highly recommend, which clearly carries some weight, is getting a spot on the street where the LSU band will march and play as it makes its way into the stadium. I loathe all things LSU (minus Les Miles' general demeanor), but hearing those first notes of "Hold That Tiger" will make the hair crawl up the back of your neck. But, seriously, what a bunch of charmed life-leading assholes (no offense, of course).
I'd also like to mention that I've been to four Ole Miss games in Baton Rouge and seen Ole Miss win all four. A LUCKY BASTARD I AM.
But enough of my bias. What about the people? The microscopic segment of the population who are LSU fans, can work the Internets, and take the time to write a Google review. What do they have to say?
And that's it. To be fair, the power only works three days a week so that somewhat limits Internet time. So, in review, Tiger Stadium is AKA Death Valley, pretty unique on a Saturday Night, but that was two years ago, so who knows now.
Get more great analysis over at Belly of the Beast.