Breaking Down the BCS Championship Game, Rose Bowl and 32 Other Bowl Games
There are 35 bowl games and it's important (note: not important at all) to go through all of them, lest you not know the benefits of watching the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl, other than reminding yourself to never eat a meal at Beef 'O' Brady's. Remember, while some of these might be vigorously unwatchable, your alternative is no football, which you know to be terrible.
Also, when you finish reading, or after you decide not to read this, be sure to sign up for the Belly of the Beast bowl pick 'em challenge/quest/battle for minor recognition right here where the different color type is. Games start on Saturday, so delay not or you'll lose your chance to be showered with lavish gifts.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
BYU (7-5) vs. San Diego State (9-3)
Why you should watch: When BYU engages its rock fight offense, it makes you feel better about your team's offense. Unless you are a Kentucky or Auburn fan. Nothing can make you feel better.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Announcers not telling us how great San Diego and its weather are. WE GET IT ALREADY AND HATE YOU FOR BEING THERE WHILE THIS COLD WEATHER CRAP IS HERE.
Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl
Central Florida (9-4) vs. Ball State (9-3)
Why you should watch: How dare you pass up the chance to see the CUSA and MAC lock horns in front of 12,000 people in tomb in Tampa.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Play the game in the empty lot that I assume is behind every Beef 'O' Brady's.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
East Carolina (8-4) vs. Louisiana-Lafayette (8-4)
Why you should watch: There's a chance East Carolina head coach Ruffin McNeill will eat some spicy gumbo earlier in the day and be EXTRA sweaty during the game. Like a fountain has been turned on on top of his head sweaty.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: No sweat towel for Ruffin McNeill.
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Washington (7-5) vs. Boise State (10-2)
Why you should watch: Because Boise State at -5 is some SWEET ACTION.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: In the Las Vegas Bowl a few years ago (at least I think it was the bowl game), there was something close to a 30-40 MPH wind raging throughout the game, making any punt or kick wildly entertaining. If that wind isn't in the forecast, bring in dozens wind tunnel fans to recreate that magic.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Fresno State (9-3) vs. SMU (6-6)
Why you should watch: Since this will be an awful game, count the pieces of debris flying around the field and see which quarter of the game experienced the most debris.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: WAY MORE DEBRIS. Like Central American soccer game levels of debris.
Little Caesars Bowl
Western Kentucky (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (6-6)
Why you should watch: Is Bobby Petrino coaching this game? If so, what a night it will be on Twitter.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Central Michigan being led out by at least a dozen motorcycles.
San Jose State (10-2) vs. Bowling Green (8-4)
Why you should watch: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Also, Lee Greenwood could be singing.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Lee Greenwood singing "Proud to be an American" the whole damn game.
Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Duke (6-6)
Why you should watch: Who wouldn't want to see the reigning ACC Coach of the Year in David Cutcliffe, who ended the season with four straight losses by over 100 combined points? Plus, if Tommy Tuberville coaches the Bearcats, what a battle of ex-Ole Miss coaches, which, given the success of such, is a rare sight.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: If Cincinnati wins by 50. I will never get over Cutcliffe's lazy approach to everything that ended up leading to the program being burned to the ground.
Baylor (7-5) vs. UCLA (9-4)
Why you should watch: Baylor's offense is appointment television, especially when they're executing well. Their defense is a runaway garbage truck fire, but that only means the offense gets the ball right back.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Baylor's offense gets to play all-time offense.
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Ohio (8-4) vs. Louisiana-Monroe (8-4)
Why you should watch: In addition to the few times Monroe will put BOTH of its quarterbacks on the field at once, you need to reward the team that scared Auburn terribly, but wasn't quite good enough to get Gene Chizik fired in the first month of the season.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Think about the Ohio fans who voluntarily chose to spend two or three days in Shreveport and what it was they found to pass the time. CASINAHS.
Russell Athletic Bowl
Rutgers (9-3) vs. Virginia Tech (6-6)
Why you should watch: An excellent question.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: If you've ever wondered what it would look like if Frank Beamer ran a junior high offense, you shall have your answer.
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Minnesota (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
Why you should watch: For the ladies, Kliff Kingsbury (assuming he'll be there). For the fellas, if Kingsbury is there, Texas Tech might hit 70. Note: they may hit 70 regardless. B1G!
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Minnesota is allowed six downs with which to get a first down.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Rice (6-6) vs. Air Force (6-6)
Why you should watch: Lee Greenwood could have lots of free time.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: The country has never needed Lee Greenwood more than it will during this game.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
West Virginia (7-5) vs. Syracuse (7-5)
Why you should watch: Though they fell apart for most of the second half of the season, West Virginia's offense can be like that time I played with Louisiana Tech in NCAA '12 and threw for 65 touchdowns in one season.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Between plays, the announcers speak of nothing but how horrible baseball is.
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Navy (7-4) vs. Arizona State (7-5)
Why you should watch: Todd Graham could use his Garth Brooks microphone to land another job while ON THE SIDELINE.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Graham has to do the above-the-head Garth Brooks clap whenever Arizona State does something good.
Valero Alamo Bowl
Texas (8-4) vs. Oregon State (9-3)
Why you should watch: If you've ever wanted to see someone get away with a robbery in full view of thousands of witnesses, Mack Brown will show you how it's done.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Counter programming on the Longhorn Network shows Mack Brown sitting in a vault counting his money.
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
TCU (7-5) vs. Michigan State (6-6)
Why you should watch: Buffalo Wild Wings is in charge of a game, which means ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN so people can keep drinking tall beers and stuffing their faces with wings.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Replace both offenses with Baylor's offense.
Music City Bowl
NC State (7-5) vs. Vanderbilt (8-4)
Why you should watch: Your chance to find out who NC State's head coach is because no one knows!
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Larry Smith comes back for Vanderbilt to throw an interception for old time's sake.
USC (7-5) vs. Georgia Tech (6-7)
Why you should watch: The thought of a team finishing a bowl game with EIGHT LOSSES keeps me awake at night with unbridled delight.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: None. Watching an unmotivated USC team try to stop the triple option should scratch that itch.
Iowa State (6-6) vs. Tulsa (10-3)
Why you should watch: If you're at work on New Year's Eve, it's a great way to distract yourself from screaming in a way other than in your head, "WHY ARE WE STILL HERE? WHAT CLIENT COULD POSSIBLY WANT SOMETHING DONE TODAY?" Remember, clients are awful.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: If you are a business who demands something from another place of business on New Year's Eve that isn't related to food or booze, may all your PowerPoint files become corrupt, LIKE YOUR SOUL.
LSU (10-2) vs. Clemson (10-2)
Why you should watch: One day, hopefully just short of never, Les Miles won't be around to coach and we'll all be really sad. And there's also Les and Dabo trying to out LSU and Clemson one another.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Give Les and Dabo many many many grams of sugar just before kickoff, and maintain a steady pace throughout the game.
TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl
Mississippi State (8-4) vs. Northwestern (9-3)
Why you should watch: It's not everyday you get to see a championship game.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: An animated short that shows all the taxes BEING SLAYED.
Heart of Dallas Bowl
Purdue (6-6) vs. Oklahoma State (7-5)
Why you should watch: I have never turned my head from a bowl game in which one team could lose by 50, and nor should you.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Much, much, much less Purdue.
Capital One Bowl
Georgia (11-2) vs. Nebraska (10-3)
Why you should watch: Last time out, Nebraska gave up 70 points and a quarter of a million yards rushing. If Georgia is not Georgia, and plays with the edge they developed late in the season, all signs point to them naming their score, which means Bo Pelini's rage meter will explode sometime in the second quarter.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: At halftime, pull 50 people out of the stands to find out how many of them can throw it farther than Taylor Martinez or have a more natural throwing motion. Jon Gruden will judge and say "THIS GUY" 50 times.
South Carolina (10-2) vs. Michigan (8-4)
Why you should watch: Brady Hoke will be wearing his short sleeve shirt and not look like an idiot because it won't be 11 degrees. MICHIGAN MEN ARE TOUGH, YET GENTLEMANLY.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Spurrier one ups Hoke and goes shirtless, while hanging half a hundred on the Wolverines.
Wisconsin (8-5) vs. Stanford (11-2)
Why you should watch: Unless you live near the Rose Bowl or in Florida, it's probably freezing wherever you are. Out there, there will be blue sky, sunshine, spectacular views, and perfect temperatures. WINTER IS TERRIBLE.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Instead of pregame things that are worthless, Jim Delany sets up a rocking chair at the 50-yard line and reads his collection of poems he's written about his deep love of all things Rose Bowl. And the song from Ghost, when Swayze and Demi Moore are doing that thing with the potter's wheel, plays softly while he reads.
Northern Illinois (12-1) vs. Florida State (11-2)
Why you should watch: Whenever you can see the 2013 preseason #2 Florida State Seminoles on your television, you have to take advantage. They're gonna be SO GOOD NEXT YEAR, Y'ALL.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Each fan is given a bag of oranges upon entry and is allowed to do with them as they please. ESPN personnel near the Northern Illinois section should have their heads on a swivel, as they'll most likely be continuously pummeled with oranges.
Louisville (10-2) vs. Florida (11-1)
Why you should watch: Florida's offense either appears in unwatchable format or creative, power run-based form. It's worth your time to find out in case they display the version which can break the 100 total yards-mark before the start of the fourth quarter.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Charlie Strong reenacts his turning down of Tennessee during every timeout.
Oregon (11-1) vs. Kansas State (11-1)
Why you should watch: If Oregon is involved, there is no debate over whether or not you should watch. Plus, they're gonna be a healthier version of the team that ended the regular season and they'll probably be wearing something similar to what astronauts will wear when we eventually go to Mars.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: Nike gives Kansas State "Oregon-ish" uniforms and Bill Snyder wears a windbreaker with nine different shades of purple on it.
Texas A&M (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (10-2)
Why you should watch: Johnny Manziel is always fun and who doesn't enjoy the death and taxes comfort of Bob Stoops losing a big game?
Way to make the game more enjoyable: For every 10 Landry Jones passes, Manziel will throw one pass left handed. That means Manziel will throw 20 left-handed passes.
BBVA Compass Bowl
PIttsburgh (6-6) vs. Ole Miss (6-6)
Why you should watch: I'm going to the game and looking forward to seeing the faces of the 800 Pitt fans who show up, as they wonder why in the hell there are 25,000 Ole Miss fans at a cold-ass bowl game in Birmingham, Alabama.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: ATTENTION GAMEDAY OPERATORS AT LEGION FIELD: Whatever amount of alcohol you have ordered for this game, DOUBLE OR TRIPLE THAT ORDER. If you don't, you will run out by the second quarter.
Kent State (11-2) vs. Arkansas State (9-3)
Why you should watch: A battle of interim head coaches means NOTHING is off the table. Trick plays, broken give-a-damn buttons, and fires in 55-gallon drums on the sideline are all in play.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: A trick play involving a fire in a 55-gallon drum.
BCS National Championship
Alabama (12-1) vs. Notre Dame (12-0)
Why you should watch: Manti Te'o could be retroactively given the Heisman after making a great read and tripping up Eddie Lacy for only a gain of two, earning his fourth tackle of the game. No other linebacker could have done as much and it is your privilege and honor to see him play. LOOK AT THE INTANGIBLES. Also, here is a lei. He has some extras.
Way to make the game more enjoyable: A disgusted Nick Saban after he's covered in blue Gatorade instead of the red, which goes much better with his skin tone.