Seriously, Why Does ESPN's Mike Breen Hate the Boston Celtics So Much?

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I’m aware of the perception around the rest of the country that the Celtics – and their fans – have some sort of complex about getting no respect. Fans are constantly whining about the refs, and so is the team, and it rubs people the wrong way. I get that. A lot of people are tired of the constant excuses when things don’t go well.

It’s like when you play a video game against somebody, beat them, and they won’t shut up about how they “pushed the button and nothing happened.” Yep, I’m sure my Playstation 3 has a personal vendetta against you, and that’s why I’ve killed you 30 straight times in Call Of Duty. It has nothing to do with me actually being better – after all, you pushed the button – it’s just some sort of glitch. The video game system decided it likes me better.

Some people just can’t get it into their heads that they don’t consistently do everything perfect. Celtics fans have a little of that in their DNA. So if you want to skip this section because you think I’m just doing what all Celtics fans do and complain about an imaginary slight towards my team, then that’s fine. But I assure you, this is not imaginary. Mike Breen hates the Boston Celtics, and he loves the Miami Heat.

I have watched just about every second of this series, and not once has Breen acted as though the Celtics should even be on the same floor as the Heat. Every single foul call that could have gone either way – particularly in Game 4 – he argued should have gone against the Celtics. If a foul was called against the Celtics, and 99 percent of the country knew it was bad a call, Breen still defended it.

He thought double-foul on Kevin Garnett and LeBron James late in the game should have been called just on Garnett. When Garnett was whistled for holding LeBron’s arm in overtime – when they were clearly just tangled up – Breen applauded the call. When LeBron fouled out as he forced his ass into Mickael Pietrus’ chest and knocked him over, Breen was appalled at the call. In fact, he even said that he though Pietrus should have been called for the foul.

That’s not being objective – it’s being a douche. It’s not “just calling them as you see them,” it’s “pitching a tent for LeBron.”

It’s awful. If it wasn’t for Jeff Van Gundy providing the color commentary and looking like he wants to eat Breen’s face all the time, I would go to crowded bars to watch the games and get some redheaded drunk named Sully’s analysis instead.

When Paul Pierce hit the 3-pointer over LeBron in the final minute of Game 5 – which was the absolute biggest shot of the series thus far – Breen acted like he was offended. He was call was just:

“Pierce, for three…it’s good. Paul Pierce from way downtown, and the Celtics lead by four.”

Uh, that was the biggest play of the season, regardless of team, in the entire NBA. Breen acted like it was the halftime show of a D-League game. Then, while Van Gundy went nuts breaking down the play, Breen sulked. It was pathetic.

Shouldn’t Breen have absolutely erupted? Think about any other announcer (except Pat Summerall) and how they would have reacted at that moment. I’m just spitballing here,but how about “And Paul Pierce has just quieted the crowd and hit the biggest shot of this series! My God!”

Was that so hard?

So what possible reason could Breen have for hating the Celtics and basically outright rooting for the Heat during the games? Well, he is the regular season play-by-play announcer for the Knicks for the MSG Network, and maybe has grown bitter at the Celtics over the years. He was born in New York and lives in New York.

I’m not sure if he’s been blinded by his years of watching the Celtics blow the doors off the Knicks every time the two teams play, or he’s just a dick, but either way I know it’s unprofessional and I don’t like it. I miss Marv Albert, who has mysteriously died his hair some odd shade of blonde and is doing the Western Conference Finals on TNT.

Breen would do well to take some tips from Marv. I don’t care if that means actively pursuing a nightlife filled with face-sitting and the human toilet, or if it means biting Jeff Van Gundy so hard that it leaves visible marks on his back, but something has to change. Hell, get arrested for your lewd activity – it worked for Marv. In fact, Marv spits more fire now that we know he dresses up in women’s clothes and pees on them than he did before, when we assumed he just went home and beat his dog mercilessly for the better part of three hours before falling asleep.

Figure it out Breen. Van Gundy can’t keep carrying you, and I can’t keep listening to you with your mouth full of Heat.

(Side note: Breen looks a lot like an older Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men. Check it out. Here’s a picture of Breen, and here’s a picture of Cosgrove. It makes sense, too, because I feel like Breen spends the majority of his days drinking and demeaning women like most of the characters on the show)

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