New York Yankees Weekly Review: Derek Jeter, Curtis Granderson, Nick Swisher and More

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To be completely honest, I have avoided writing this piece for weeks for several reasons, all of which have to do with my disdain for the Bronx Bombers and their loaded lineup of bubblegum dipping prima donnas. Regardless of my feelings though, the Yankees have already wrapped up first place, and I'm going to tell you why.

Let's take it step by step.

Derek Jeter - Are you kidding me!?!?! I guess the old adage "women weaken legs" is true, since Jeter has hit .340 since dumping Minka Kelly halfway through last season. He's also batting .420 against lefties, which is the only reason I am not ripping him apart for dumping my favorite member of the Friday Night Lights crew. It's ok Jeter, I'm sure Tim Riggins is somewhere batting cleanup on that shit as we speak.

Curtis Granderson - Probably my favorite Yankee, strictly for the reason that no matter how hard he hits the ball, he always puts his head down and hauls ass down to first base. I swear to God, he hit a homer off of the back gates at Camden yards and never even looked at it. I also forgot to mention that he is on all three of my fantasy teams, which I admit is a ploy to ease my suffering this season as he destroys my hopes and dreams.

CC Sabathia - Can somebody find this guy a tailor? I know he's just going to get fat as shit again, but you would think they could splurge on a few different uniforms for the guy since he's winning 20 games with his eyes closed. Nobody has looked that dumb in a Yankee uniform since David Wells tried to wear Babe Ruth's hat onto the field with a 30-beer hangover. The guy is a consistent innings eater, and probably the best pitcher in the American League behind Verlander. Look for him to go 20-9 this season with a 3.07 ERA and 220 strikeouts. Yes, those numbers are exact, not approximate.

The Bullpen - Is it just me or does Rafael Soriano look like Xerxes from 300? The bullpen is basically as well oiled-a-machine as money can buy, and if the Yankee starters can get through six innings of close baseball, consider it done. Somebody go tell Joba to get back on the trampoline, because there is no room in that lights-out pen for his fat ass.

Nick Swisher - Even his name annoys me. He's like the Martin Gramatica of the MLB, jumping up and down and celebrating like an asshole every time someone gets a base hit. Out of all the hitters in the Yankee lineup, he somehow seems to see the most fastballs. It's uncanny. So far, he's had a solid start to the season, but don't get caught up in that RBI total, since half of them came in that 15-9 comeback against Boston last week.

Slow Starts - We've all but forgotten about Cano and A-Rowdy Roddy Piper Rodriguez, who have just recently started to put it together. Cano is the best player on the team from a pure talent standpoint, but it looks like he may have gotten a little lazy in the offseason after last year's monster output. A-Rod is a big walking joke, and I hope his contract rots a big fat hole in the Yankees payroll for the next 5-6 years. If I were Bud Selig I'd drug test him everyday until he stops dating that WWE wrestler.

Big Surprise - Last but not least, I believe that this year will be the year of the Gardner Gnome. Gardner seems very comfortable with his roll in the Yankee's lineup, and his ability to battle at the plate will make him a 30 steal, 100 run player this year. Gardner acts a pefectt catalyst in that lneup, which otherwise real lacks base stealing speed (besides Granderson). Wrap Up - My guess after the first two and half weeks of the season is that the Yankees will break 100 wins and go something like 102-60. The Rays and Toronto will battle it out for one or both of the Wild Card spots, and maybe the Orioles will finish above Boston for the first time in 16 years. But the bottom line is that the Yankees are just too talented and too experienced not to win the division this year, and as much as it pains me to say it, they are probably the most well rounded team in the MLB... once again.

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