Melky Cabrera was the Worst, Most Obvious Cheater Ever

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Melky Cabrera…did you really think we wouldn’t find out?

I know that you can’t speak English at all (or you’re going to do the Sammy Sosa thing and just pretend you don’t understand a word of the language that is spoken in the country you’ve lived in for a decade), which is hilarious and captured beautifully in this video of him accepting his all-star game MVP trophy, but come on man.

You played four years for the Yankees and could barely make contact, and then went to the Braves and were even worse. You built up a track record, and the prevailing theme from it was that you are not a good Major League Baseball player.

Five years is long enough to get a read on somebody. You hit .280 once, and .274 another year. You had more than 10 home runs once, you drove in no runs…you were basically Mike Aviles, and I don’t mean that as anything even close to a compliment.

Then, you go to Kansas City last year where nobody is paying attention, and nobody cares if you take a bunch of drugs, get huge and put up monster stats because it’s Kansas City. So you hit .305, play more games then you ever have, rack up over 200 hits, go deep 18 times and knock in 87 runs.

That’s when we should have known that you had Victor Conte on speed dial.

Seriously – I watched Melky Cabrera for years. The Red Sox and Yankees play 18 times a season, and I watch a ton of Yankees games beyond those ones. I saw Melky Cabrera take 100-150 at-bats every year in a Yankee uniform, plus the stuff I saw in highlights, and he wasn’t good. He was never good at any aspect of baseball.

When he went to San Francisco and became an MVP CANDIDATE, we really should have known. Holy cow. Guys that are mediocre players and play for half a decade don’t just suddenly become one of the best players in their leagues without the help of some performance enhancers (except Jose Bautista, but I’m sure he’ll be found out sooner or later). Cabrera was leading the league in hits, was second in batting average (.346!) and had was well on his way to new career high in RBI. The guy is a juicer to the highest degree.

He won the All-Star game MVP for Christ’s sake. I guess people can win that without being great players, but it still adds to his persona of being a good baseball player when the whole world knows he’s actually not.

Brian Sabean, the Giants GM, came out today and said he was “shocked” that Cabrera tested positive. Yeah, that makes sense Sabean. I’m sure your research didn’t yield any inkling that Cabrera might be a drug guy.

That’s like me being shocked that Michael Phelps won a gold, or that Brittney Griner has testicles. It’s obvious, man.

When the Red Sox brought in Eric Gagne, there were rumors that he was a steroid guy. Theo Epstein researched those rumors, found out that Gagne was clean at that point, and brought him in. But the point is that he knew. These things are out there, and with how much goes into signing a guy at this stage in baseball, there is no way that Sabean was caught off-guard that a guy hitting 65 points above his lifetime average was using drugs.

This PED thing in San Francisco is starting to become the norm, huh?

So way to go, Melky. Somewhere John Sterling is screaming into his mirror: “THE MELK-MAN! NOOO!!! THE MELK-MAN!!! WHY!!!???”

At least Cabrera can’t win the batting title. A player needs 502 at-bats to qualify. Cabrera has 501.

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