Why in God's Name Does Chris Berman Anchor ESPN’s U.S. Open Coverage?

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Golf is simple in a lot of ways. Don’t talk during someone’s back swing, wear a tucked in shirt with a collar and don’t have Chris Berman anywhere near a golf course, so help us God.

Nothing screams “you’re watching golf” to the viewer like Berman screaming and stumbling over his words like a stroke patient, while providing the same amount of analysis as my 6-year-old neighbor.

6-year-old neighbor: “That was a good shot!”

Chris Berman: “Guys, we’ve been here before. And maybe – JUST MAYBE – that was the shot that turns it all around. HE’S BUMBLIN, STUMBLIN, RUMBLIN, BLAHHHH TURKEY LEGS, TOM JACKSON.”

Here’s what I don’t get. If Chris Berman sucks at pretty much everything he does – another one of those black and white things – why put him on the coverage of something extremely important that he clearly knows nothing about? Golf is a cerebral game, one that takes a knowledge to announce. It also takes a fair amount of patience and calmness, not Berman’s usual blend of impatience and over-the-top howling.

I guarantee you that he’s never even heard the word cerebral. Was it too much for ESPN to find somebody with a legitimate connection to the game of golf to anchor their coverage of one of the most important events of the year?  Or did they think that Berman’s “star power” was a big enough draw to get people to tune in.

I guess it was the latter, which shows you how out of touch the network is if it thinks that Chris Berman has any sort of star power remaining. Maybe when he started at the network 40 years ago there was a little something, but now he’s just a fat mess who hasn’t finished a sentence since the late 90′s.

Watch him talk. He never gets to the end of what he’s saying. This is every single NFL Primetime broadcast in a nutshell:

“And now, Tom…we’ve seen this…the Patriots winning games in December. Tom Brady? Bill Belichick? They’ve been here before (Tom Jackson start laughing hysterically). And Tom…(Berman makes a bunch of weird hand gestures and noises)…you never know. You just never know. Merry Christmas, and back to you guys in the studio.”

Hey “Boom,” here’s an idea: Have a thought that you can describe on the air without motioning your arms around like you’re Wile E. Coyote trying to keep himself from falling off a cliff. It’s not cute anymore. It’s just plain annoying, and it’s even worse when you do it while talking about golf.

This article on Yahoo!Sports breaks down some of Berman’s stupid comments over the course of the first two days, which – thankfully – is all that he was allowed to work on. The weekend would have been entirely ruined if Berman had started screaming “Here’s ‘Charlotte’s Webb’ Simpson, putting for a birdie.”

CHRIS, MAKING UP STUPID NICKNAMES FOR PLAYERS ISN’T FUNNY! Retire, you old creep. You should have realized you were losing your fastball when you started to sexually harass this co-worker on the ESPN set.

He also apparently speaks in real life like he does on TV.

“It’s clean. It’s not a chardonnay with bite, which, by the way, some chardonnay with bite (gesturing wildly like a cartoon character again) is fine, but it’s a pretty clean, it’s a pretty clean, yeh, yeh, yeh…and it’s not that expensive.”

I went to the Super Bowl in 2005, when the Patriots played the Eagles. As I was walking into the stadium, Berman and Tom Jackson were walking in about 10 paces in front of me. I was having fun, so I yelled, “Hey Chris, who’s gonna win the game?”

You know what he did? He never turned around, and he just called out “The Bills,” in this gruff, angry voice, like I was somehow being an a-hole for asking him a simple question.

Man, you are hilarious, Boom. The Bills. That’s classic. I hope you get poisoned by a Chardonnay with some bite.

“Tom, this chardonnay…we’ve seen this before…it’s tearing out my insides…yeh, yeh, yeh…it’s winter time in New England, and the Patriots are in first…back to you guys.”

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