Cole Hamels faced off against Bryce Harper and the Nationals last night. It was their first meeting since Hamels welcomed Harper to the bigs with a fastball in the back, followed by an admission of guilt and a 5 game suspension. Hamels must have been in full “old school” mode prior to the game; downing six scotches to accompany the t-bone he cooked, wearing his bloodied wife beater, after holding it to his right eye for an hour to curb the swelling from a bare knuckled boxing match. He then fondled some dames while being casually racist towards his battery mate Carlos Ruiz. Some may say he's taking this whole old school persona too far, but it's hard to argue with 8 IP, 8 K, 0 ER. In honor of Old School Cole's big night, lets go around the league for Wednesday's games, like it's 1920 and the Kaiser just got a taste of Uncle Sam's right hook.
Two fingers of rye and a brand new handcrank Ford for Chris Sale, who befuddled the anemic Twins with 7 IP, 6 K and 0 ER. A pair of spikes to the ankle for Sale's manager Robin Ventura who pulled his starter after only 97 pitches, when a full game shutout was in his sights. Nolan Ryan should have beaten some more sense into him. Paul Konerko was around when the dead-ball-era was only the midlife-crisis-ball-era, but he still managed his 9th HR of the year on a 3 for 4 day with 3 runs scored.
Huzzah to Lance Lynn who bested the Padres of Mexico annex San Diego, with a 6 IP, 3 K, 3 ER night, earning his league leading 7th win. Since pitcher wins are the be-all-end-all statistic, I say give him all the gold in California. Lynn's cause was championed by his teammates Carlos Beltran who walloped his 14th HR on the season and by Redbird's newcomer Matt Adams whose significant girth portends many years of good health and 2 for 4, 2 RBI nights, in the future.
It really was a throwback day in Baltimore as Nick Johnson – yes he's still in the majors – hit two home runs off Boston's Daniel Bard. Not to be outdone, Scott Podsednik rose from the grave to crank the game deciding homer in the 8th, securing the Red Sox 6-5 victory. In a possibly related note, the Devil was later seen, leaving Camden Yards, with the deeds for two souls.
Three shipments of prohibited Canadian whiskey for Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion who continued mashing with one home run each, for 12 and 14 respectively, on the season. Encarnacion's HR came in the 8th inning for the second of James Shields' (7.1 IP, 10 K, 2 ER) earned runs, tying the game and forcing extra innings. The Rays ended up winning on Bossman Junior's walk off double in the 11th.
The Angels/Athletics game also ended on a double in the 11th inning which, as everyone knows, means there is a witch on the loose in the woods north of the village. Let the finger pointing and airing of the grudges begin. We'll burn every godless woman in this village if need be. Jeff Weaver and Jarrod Parker both appear to be in cahoots with this seductress as Weaver's pitches spun wickedly for 8 innings of 1 ER, 4 K ball and Parker's strikes danced like a harem around a cauldron for 7 innings of 1 ER, 8 K ball. As strapping young men of good repute they get a pass on being burned at the stake.
Mussolini's favorite baseball player, Alex Liddi, hit his first career grandslam to lead the Mariners past the Rangers, 5-3, in Seattle. As MLB's first player born in Italy, he likely took his ridiculous mustache and gaudy gold chain, out cruising in his IROC-Z to celebrate. Kevin Millwood, inspired by his Italian teammate, continued his renaissance, pitching 6 innings with 2 K and 0 ER. Also proving you don't need to say you're old school when you're so old you predate the concept of school.
“Charlie” Bronson Arroyo mowed down the savages from Atlanta, like he did Once Upon a Time in the West, pitching 6.2 innings with 7 K and 1 ER. He was denied the win though, as Aroldis Chapman came flying in like a bat out of hell, to pick up the win in the ninth, after Todd Frazier's homer gave the Reds the 2-1 lead.
Written by Ryan Coombs exclusively for TheFantasyFix.com. Follow Ryan on Twitter @RMCoombs.
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