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Ahmad Brooks Gets By with A Little Help from His Friends

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San Francisco 49ers’ linebacker Ahmad Brooks is in hot water regarding a *possible incident of assault* at his San Jose home on June 8th, but fear not—the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office is on it.

And by “on it,” I mean, what assault?

An argument allegedly broke out between Brooks and teammate Lamar Divens regarding Brooks’s ability to drive despite being drunk, and Divens, who had just driven them to Brooks’s residence, was hesitant to return the intoxicated linebacker’s keys.

As any normal person would do to demonstrate that they were sober and stable enough to drive, Brooks preceded to “allegedly str[ike] 49ers nose tackle Lamar Divens three times in the head with a beer bottle and then punch him in the face,” according to the San Jose Mercury News. It was noted that “the alleged attack was also witnessed by two other unidentified team members,” and left Divens “bloodied and requiring three stitches.”

After allegedly attacking his teammate with the beer bottle, Brooks politely inquired “do I need to get my (expletive deleted) gun?" before hitting him again. Divens, being the bummer that he is, lamely insisted on pressing charges immediately following the altercation. Isn’t that in clear violation of the Teammates’ Code? Aren’t you supposed to take it like a man? Even if the “it” in question is a full-on, glass bottle offensive spontaneously launched by an infuriated 6’4, 260-pound behemoth of a man professionally trained to run down and eviscerate his enemies?

Have no fear, America, because justice would be served—in the form of a warrant. Uh, almost.

An arrest warrant for felony assault was filed against Ahmad Brooks, signed by a judge, and . . . subsequently rescinded a day later. The Mercury report describes how “higher ranking officials in the DA's office took the rare step of intervening and notified the court at 4:30 p.m. Friday to hold it,” taking it upon themselves to ensure that tattletales like Divens aren’t rewarded for their snitching ways. Take that, assault victims everywhere.

Divens, for his part, was contacted three days after the incident and said that he and Brooks were “nearing a resolution” (possible “resolution”: do I need to get my {expletive deleted} gun?), which lead to charges being dropped two days later.

Santa Clara County Assistant District Attorney Karyn Sinunu-Towery called the almost-warrant "a complete fumble on our part," but if she wanted to choose a more appropriate football term to analogize, “misdirection” would have worked just fine.

Now if you all look here as I talk about this fumble, you won’t notice that we totally let a vicious assault by a large man with a violent past go completely unpunished.  

In light of both the Aaron Hernandez allegations and a disturbing rise in NFL offseason arrests, questions are being raised about why players are involved in so many off-field incidents, and if anything can be done to curb the trend. The Santa Clara DA’s Office has been the first to step up and set a clear precedent: when you try to stop a drunk football player from driving, put on a helmet first, ‘cause you’re on your own.

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