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'In My Heart I Am A Boy': Transgender Teen's Heartbreaking Suicide Note Goes Viral

| by Sean Kelly

Transgender teen Zander Mahaffey posted an emotional Tumblr blog on Sunday, Feb. 15 – just before he committed suicide.

Fifteen-year-old Mahaffey’s heartbreaking note detailed his lifelong struggle with his gender identity and his desire to escape.

“I should probably introduce myself for anyone who doesn’t know me," Mahaffey wrote. "My name is Zander Nicholas Mahaffey (at birth, Sandra Nicole.) I am a boy, even if the world doesn’t see me as one. But I know in my heart I am a boy."

The teen described his tumultuous relationship with his mother, whom he said is “physically disabled” and takes Xanax for anxiety, which he revealed he was planning to use to kill himself.

"To my mother, one of us was gonna die and I guess it is gonna be me," Mahaffey wrote. "I hope you’re life from here on is MISERABLE. I hope you realize how MUCH YOU NEEDED ME AND TREATED ME LIKE GARBAGE.  I want you to BEG FOR ME TO COME BACK, FOR MY FORGIVENESS. But I won’t. I want you dead. I wanted you to DIE FOR SO LONG, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED THAT??

"It hurts so much to hate your mother. It hurts so much for your mother to act so two faced. It hurts for you to actually have a nice time, to talk and smile and laugh together, and then it all does back to hell, and the illusion shatters, and you remember about all the horrible things she still does. It hurts to not know what it’s like to have a “mommy”, to know what a mothers[sic] love is, to feel cared for by a maternal figure."

The 15-year-old also talked about instances of sexual trauma and verbal abuse from family members, revealing that his mother's caregiver and close friend, who he calls Aunt Twalia, verbally abuses her own children and makes racist remarks around the house. 

“I know there’s going to be people hurt and devastated by this," he wrote. "And I’m so, so, sorry about that. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so tired, I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep."

In response to his death and the suicide note, supporters from across the Internet began using the hashtag “#HisNameWasZander” on Twitter and Instagram to memorialize the teen, sharing suicide hotline numbers alongside the hashtag to remind struggling transgender teens that they are not alone.

Sources: Vocativ, Tumblr / Photo Credit: vocativ.com

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