The George Zimmerman Karmic Redemption Tour

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The hypothetical lovechild of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber would be lucky to garner one-seventeenth of the daily headlines devoted to George Zimmerman, and like the Biebs’ recent publicity, G-Zimms hasn’t exactly received an overly-positive representation in newspapers around the world.

That’s why today’s Zimmerman headlines bring fresh perspective to the most vilified man in America. 

According to a Sanford police captain’s statement to ABC News, Zimmerman emerged from his secret hiding place and "pulled an individual from a truck that had rolled over," constituting the “first known sighting of Zimmerman since he left the courtroom following his acquittal.” The incident occurred “less than a mile from where [Zimmerman] shot Martin,” an eerie yet intriguing detail.

Let’s get this straight. Zimmerman, in his only documented venture into the real world, heroically transforms into Volunteer Paramedic and rescues someone from deadly circumstances. Is this really happening? Aaron Sorkin and Steven Spielberg couldn’t have collaborated to come up with that ending.   

To some, this may appear as a strange—how could George Zimmerman seriously have been the first responder—but isolated incident. There may me more to Zimmerman’s Superman escapade than meets the eye.

Ladies and gents, welcome to the George Zimmerman Karmic Redemption Tour.

After seeing his likeness turned to a symbol of racial injustice and suspect stand-your-ground laws, Zimmerman has committed himself to a life of retribution. Gone is the hoodie-follower, replaced by a public servant seeking to give back to America.

We can only guess where Zimmerman will turn up next, so . . . let’s do that. The next three times George Zimmerman is spotted in public, he will more than likely be committing one of the following acts of heroism:

3. Providing Emergency Childbirth Assistance to Kate Middleton

With news that the Duchess of Cambridge has been admitted to the hospital, someone must ensure that the world’s most irrelevant news story goes off without a hitch.

“He just kinda showed up,” beamed Kate Middleton. “He told me he read two chapters from an obstetrician book, and that he’d always wanted to be a doctor, so he was obviously qualified.”

Despite his brave act of public service, Zimmerman was unable to convince the Duchess that this upscale-restaurant napkin isn’t, in fact, a hat.

2.  Balancing Detroit’s Budget

When a crisis goes down, the situation needs to be resolved by a person who specializes in making the best possible split-second decisions.

So it wasn’t a surprise when George Zimmerman spontaneously made an appearance at Detroit City Hall, skillfully navigating the political waters of the city’s economic meltdown.

“He opened with a joke, which was a little weird, but after that he did a great job,” said city manager Kevyn Orr.

Zimmerman proceeded to suggest a steep tax increase on Skittles and watermelon-flavored beverages, laying the groundwork for a smooth, if sugar-deprived recovery from bankruptcy.

1. Capturing Edward Snowden

After laying low for some time, Zimmerman finds a way to utilize his natural talent for spotting criminals. Unexpectedly, Zimmerman subdues and apprehends Edward Snowden in Moscow Airport, taking care not to shoot the whistleblower.

“Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on YOU,” Zimmerman proudly exclaimed.

The comment is premature, though, because Zimmerman shoots Snowden in self-defense while the two are en route to the Pentagon from Dulles International Airport. Police only have Zimmerman’s account, but given the fact that he eliminated the only person whose situation is more hotly-contested than his own, he is sympathized with and acquitted of all charges.